It has been 2 weeks since I last blog, these 2 weeks has been busy , with the Economics test and accounting test. It is so strange, the system in SIM place huge emphasis on test, unlike in the local Universities. The Economics test contributs to 30% of my overall assessment, 30% and the weightage is just so great, 30 MCQs for 30 marks actually playing such an important role. Luckily, after the lecturer went through the answers with us, I scored in the mid 20s, not bad , despite having forgotten most of the things I learn in JC. However, for the accounts test, it is a different story, I only managed a bare pass. the ironical thing is that I am going to take most of my modules in accounting. So sad, but wad to do, have to work harder for the exams.
The exasperating thing is that I picked the right 'questions' , yet I could not remember the details. Worse still, the questions all came from the TB, so fed up with myself. I guess I am not really suited to take subjects with a lot of applications and theory, I hate to write so much that I do not even know what I am writing. I prefer subjects like Mathematics and Chemistry. I like the book-keeping part of accounts, it is so interesting though others find it boring, learning how to balance the balance sheet, seeing that all the ratios are related and the items related.
I am a number person, not a mechanical nor business guy, I prefer numbers to imaginative aspects of Mathematics to human science. Numbers can be seen unlike 3D trigo, vectors, mechanics, and human behaviour that are unidentificable. I am a rigid guy, I cannot imagine the 3D diagrams, nor can I relate to people mindset. So I choose Accounting as I only work with numbers, ratios and graphs, it is indeed mostly made up of this. How to write a balance sheet, income statement and cash flow statement. You need not think so much, and most importantly, the numbers provide a check, I am a really conscientious guy, I do not tolerate careless mistakes. I enjoy the accounting lectures but do not like the questions asked, they are so far fetched. The lecturer is really good, but the questions are so difficult.
Still, I must do well for accounting , at least get a credit for it as it is just the introductory part, in future it will get more difficult. Though I did not do so well for the accounts test which accounts for 20% of my total assessment for the module, I will continue to like accounts and must study for my accounts exams. Except for the 2 tests, this coming Tuesday, I am going to have a markeing test which accounts for 20% of my total assessment. I like marketing but too bad I am not very vocal, and the questions are just too difficult. Hopefully, I can pass all my modules and not repeat any of them.
The workload in SIM is really light but it is the exams and tests that made me so stressful. Plus, I tell myself that I have to succeed this time round after suffering a major setback. I enjoyed school, even doing tutorials but I am really sick of failures. The 2 weeks past by really quick, this week with a heavy econs lecture, the biz computing assignment to rush and the accounts tutorial to do, I am no longer so free in the weekends. That is why I only find time to blog till now.
The busy scedule also take away time for self reflection, so in this entry there are no philosophical and 'profound' thoughts. After the tests, it is the rushing of assignments then it is 2 weeks of revision and the exams. Busy, busy, busy......
Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Busy schedule
Next week, I will be having 2 tests, Economics, Accounting test. After the setback last November, I dunno if I can still be able to handle tests and exams. I feel so guilty for not working as hard as I promised myself at the start of the semester, I just feel so strange. There wsa once when I am close to breakdown but now it is alright, just that I feel so insecure. No use telling myself or others about this, I am really tired, so much has happened in these 2 years that I am forced to be grow up.
In the past, I used to be scared of crowded places, but now it no longer bothers me. In the past, I used to be studies-focused now it is no longer the case. I tell myself not to brood over the past so much but sadly, too many things happened. The affectuations for a classmate, the army life, the re-exam, the failure to enter local U, the counselling, the disappointment for not being a student all made me so vexed. It all seem interconnected, the affectuation followed by the counselling followed by my NS life floowed by the rejection by the three local U followed by the re-exam followed by the disappointment now.
People might say that I am thinking too much, but I did not expect myself to go through all these for the past 3 years. Whenever I read the blogs of the others, they are so joyful and enjoyable to read. Why must my blog be so serious? Well, I can only say that I am not one who is optimistic and not be so goal oriented. My life have to be set according to my wishes and the purpose of my life is to be filial to my parents, be a professional, and have offsprings and then retire when I am old.
I actually thought about the purpose of life more than a dozen times before, are we here to seek gratifcation from our material world, and be bogged down by the so called rat race to maintan our status quo? Are we here to be just mere existence in this world. not as human beings? By thinking like this, life become so meaningless, all those wishes and regrets seem so insignificant, because I feel that I am not fit to be in this world, so maybe I should not have existed in the first place and cause pain to so many people I met.
However, human beings are afraid of death, imagine that one day you do not have feelings, thoughts and alone in a place so cold, so eerie, it is just so scary. You are not "yourself", if human beings have a chance to experience death and get resurrect then perhaps death would be just a journey in life, just like adulthood. We are afraid of death because we get love, warmth, meaning, and even happiness from living as a homosapien and not some existence. I would not want to die because there are so many good things in life, love, meaning, knowledge, wisdom, nature, nice people and happiness that I yearn for, plus there are a lot of things I have not experienced, love, being a parent, having a nice trip, knowing the cultures of others and the help to others to make this society more humane.
Indeed we are bogged down by the rat race, and it has become more of a challenge to be a teenager or even child than in the past. The more knowledgable we are, the more problems we have, it is the conflict between knowledge and ignorance that made the world so chaotic. However, if we can apply knowledge then knowledge won't be just knowledege but wisdom.Indeed, we often compared oursleves to others, we are so concerned with the challenges of being human that we forget that we are not the worst, of course we are not the best.
If we can have the wisdom to see a bigger picture and be more selfless, and seek to turn knowledge into wisdom, our lives wouldn't be so empty. Fortunately there are indeed people who are like this, but I am not one of them.
I understand that money and looks are superficial, the most important is the inner beauty of a person but I am being led to the beauty myth and that we are supposed to be earning lots of money to be 'happy'. One should be really strong willed and wise to be able to discern between meaning and intense satisfaction. If we do not have a life, we are just tools in the society to the others then I can only say that this might be just 'life' to us. Alright, I end here now.
In the past, I used to be scared of crowded places, but now it no longer bothers me. In the past, I used to be studies-focused now it is no longer the case. I tell myself not to brood over the past so much but sadly, too many things happened. The affectuations for a classmate, the army life, the re-exam, the failure to enter local U, the counselling, the disappointment for not being a student all made me so vexed. It all seem interconnected, the affectuation followed by the counselling followed by my NS life floowed by the rejection by the three local U followed by the re-exam followed by the disappointment now.
People might say that I am thinking too much, but I did not expect myself to go through all these for the past 3 years. Whenever I read the blogs of the others, they are so joyful and enjoyable to read. Why must my blog be so serious? Well, I can only say that I am not one who is optimistic and not be so goal oriented. My life have to be set according to my wishes and the purpose of my life is to be filial to my parents, be a professional, and have offsprings and then retire when I am old.
I actually thought about the purpose of life more than a dozen times before, are we here to seek gratifcation from our material world, and be bogged down by the so called rat race to maintan our status quo? Are we here to be just mere existence in this world. not as human beings? By thinking like this, life become so meaningless, all those wishes and regrets seem so insignificant, because I feel that I am not fit to be in this world, so maybe I should not have existed in the first place and cause pain to so many people I met.
However, human beings are afraid of death, imagine that one day you do not have feelings, thoughts and alone in a place so cold, so eerie, it is just so scary. You are not "yourself", if human beings have a chance to experience death and get resurrect then perhaps death would be just a journey in life, just like adulthood. We are afraid of death because we get love, warmth, meaning, and even happiness from living as a homosapien and not some existence. I would not want to die because there are so many good things in life, love, meaning, knowledge, wisdom, nature, nice people and happiness that I yearn for, plus there are a lot of things I have not experienced, love, being a parent, having a nice trip, knowing the cultures of others and the help to others to make this society more humane.
Indeed we are bogged down by the rat race, and it has become more of a challenge to be a teenager or even child than in the past. The more knowledgable we are, the more problems we have, it is the conflict between knowledge and ignorance that made the world so chaotic. However, if we can apply knowledge then knowledge won't be just knowledege but wisdom.Indeed, we often compared oursleves to others, we are so concerned with the challenges of being human that we forget that we are not the worst, of course we are not the best.
If we can have the wisdom to see a bigger picture and be more selfless, and seek to turn knowledge into wisdom, our lives wouldn't be so empty. Fortunately there are indeed people who are like this, but I am not one of them.
I understand that money and looks are superficial, the most important is the inner beauty of a person but I am being led to the beauty myth and that we are supposed to be earning lots of money to be 'happy'. One should be really strong willed and wise to be able to discern between meaning and intense satisfaction. If we do not have a life, we are just tools in the society to the others then I can only say that this might be just 'life' to us. Alright, I end here now.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Highly Senitive Guy (HSG)
There is already this term "SNAG", (Sensitive New Age Guy) which means that this type of guys are able to spare a thought for their actions and not only care about themselves. To me, to be a SNAG requires more than sensitvity, you require wisdom too. I term myself as a HSG as I realised that all this while I have been trying to fit into society's main stream but it failed. Since I cannot tell myself or succeed in conforming to society's standards, I rather be weird than to be so hard on myself.
Recently read a book on how to survive as a HSP(as girls are also highly sensitive), it teaches a lot of non-conforming attitudes and beliefs towards life on the whole. I always think that thistype of books are boring and lengthy, now instead they are informative and thought provoking, it is a benefit rather than a hassle and cost to read this typoe of books. I always thought that I am not sensitive to others, in fact, it is beacause I am too sensitive that I often think too much of hurting myself and others that I am so vexed.
There are many idealistic thoughts but it seem that as I grow older and become more matured( I hope I am), they are so impractical and worthless. In the past, used to be very concerned about not being a combatant but now it is as if nothing have happened. In life, there is no turning back and there is no ten years series for you to practice, no saving point, no definite formula to success, we must learn to be more practical and not be too far-fetched. That is the view I have of my life. People always say that do not dwell on the past, well, it is theoretically correct, practically, we must often have a sense of how we managed to be what we are today or what caused the change in us.
That is why though there are no saving point, there are diaries or memoires to help us record our mistakes and achievements. I used to think that it is stupid and girlish to write diariesas each day is almost the same, wake up. go to school, return home, eat , do homework, sleep and then the next day starts. However, as I grow older, each day is routinely the same but the thoughts I have and the incidents I encountered each day is different.My life is boring to others but not to me, my life is often full of incidents and I have too much thoughts at times that I have no mood for other things. I once resented this but now I realised at least I know what I want in life, how imparctical or nonsensical my goals are. Now, my diary is not just a record of the day, it lists down the thoughts as a result of some incidents, some books I read or the news I heard.
I am more comfortable staying indoors, and at times is shy plus I am highly sensitive. Suddenly, the words which I think will never be used on me are apt descriptives of me. I am a highly sensitive shy introvert currently. I based my life on practicality rather than gratification or satisfaction, I weigh every actions carefully and consider the repercussions of doing certain things. However, I failed to be rational in terms of affectuations and feelings. There are incidents which hurt me deeply, yet to the others, they are just part and parcel of their lives. I seek a flawless life in which there are no sudden illness, no conflicts, no war, no relationship problems.
Sadly, this ideal picture gets blurrer with my increasing maturity and the everchanging wiorld. I guess as human beings, we are here to reap what we sow, the changes we made, the advancements in our global village that we proudly claimed. That might be life for the people in today's society. Alright, I end here now.
Recently read a book on how to survive as a HSP(as girls are also highly sensitive), it teaches a lot of non-conforming attitudes and beliefs towards life on the whole. I always think that thistype of books are boring and lengthy, now instead they are informative and thought provoking, it is a benefit rather than a hassle and cost to read this typoe of books. I always thought that I am not sensitive to others, in fact, it is beacause I am too sensitive that I often think too much of hurting myself and others that I am so vexed.
There are many idealistic thoughts but it seem that as I grow older and become more matured( I hope I am), they are so impractical and worthless. In the past, used to be very concerned about not being a combatant but now it is as if nothing have happened. In life, there is no turning back and there is no ten years series for you to practice, no saving point, no definite formula to success, we must learn to be more practical and not be too far-fetched. That is the view I have of my life. People always say that do not dwell on the past, well, it is theoretically correct, practically, we must often have a sense of how we managed to be what we are today or what caused the change in us.
That is why though there are no saving point, there are diaries or memoires to help us record our mistakes and achievements. I used to think that it is stupid and girlish to write diariesas each day is almost the same, wake up. go to school, return home, eat , do homework, sleep and then the next day starts. However, as I grow older, each day is routinely the same but the thoughts I have and the incidents I encountered each day is different.My life is boring to others but not to me, my life is often full of incidents and I have too much thoughts at times that I have no mood for other things. I once resented this but now I realised at least I know what I want in life, how imparctical or nonsensical my goals are. Now, my diary is not just a record of the day, it lists down the thoughts as a result of some incidents, some books I read or the news I heard.
I am more comfortable staying indoors, and at times is shy plus I am highly sensitive. Suddenly, the words which I think will never be used on me are apt descriptives of me. I am a highly sensitive shy introvert currently. I based my life on practicality rather than gratification or satisfaction, I weigh every actions carefully and consider the repercussions of doing certain things. However, I failed to be rational in terms of affectuations and feelings. There are incidents which hurt me deeply, yet to the others, they are just part and parcel of their lives. I seek a flawless life in which there are no sudden illness, no conflicts, no war, no relationship problems.
Sadly, this ideal picture gets blurrer with my increasing maturity and the everchanging wiorld. I guess as human beings, we are here to reap what we sow, the changes we made, the advancements in our global village that we proudly claimed. That might be life for the people in today's society. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
ORD Liao
ORD ! Operational Ready Date is what half of the population is talking about when they are enlisted in the National Service. I know it is not right to think of ORDing all the time but in the army, every NSFs will talk about this three letter acronym. It is almost all NSFs' goal in their NS life to ORD. Now I finally ORD and I am glad I fulfil my 2 years 4 months of obligations to the country though I am a service personnel. I like to thank my parents for their support, my friends for their help, god for letting me have a learning experience rather than wasting that period of time and of course myself for bearing through the 2 years 4 months.
I know I have in the course of NS provoked certain people becasue of my tactless antics but this is life, no one is perfect and you cannot expect everyone to have a good impression of you. I do not wish to talk about NS anymore now that I am out of the obligations. From now on, I am a NS men and no longer a NSF. Actually, thinking through, these period have past by quite fast, it is 2 yaers indeed but 2 years out of the 80 years of existence on average is just abt 2 %- 3 % the most. Of course, a lot of untruth can be generated using percentages, you can also manipulate the numbers by setting a narrower base. I can say that compared to the 12 years of pre-adult education, 2 years is a significant percentage, about 16.66666667%. There will be different. That is why I think as human beings, we must not misuse numbers and be numerically illeterate.
In life, there are so many changes each day, so many uncertainties, so many events happening. If we list down each type of canges it will be endless and to categorise them is a neverending task as our perceptions changed with the environment. I only believe in knowledge being the fixed entity in the world, people can change, information can change, environment can change, climate can change, thoughts can change but only knowledge and wisdom will not change. We often ask oursleves why we exist in the first place but forget that we are fortunate to be a living person.
In life, we are forever seeking to live better, to make our existence to living. Rather than thinking of the impossible answer of why we exist, we could think about what can we do to make our environment , our fellow homosapiens more humane, our closed ones happy and our thinking more efficient.This is the real meaning of life and not mere existence. This is my life so I will live it to the fullest. Alright, I end here now.
I know I have in the course of NS provoked certain people becasue of my tactless antics but this is life, no one is perfect and you cannot expect everyone to have a good impression of you. I do not wish to talk about NS anymore now that I am out of the obligations. From now on, I am a NS men and no longer a NSF. Actually, thinking through, these period have past by quite fast, it is 2 yaers indeed but 2 years out of the 80 years of existence on average is just abt 2 %- 3 % the most. Of course, a lot of untruth can be generated using percentages, you can also manipulate the numbers by setting a narrower base. I can say that compared to the 12 years of pre-adult education, 2 years is a significant percentage, about 16.66666667%. There will be different. That is why I think as human beings, we must not misuse numbers and be numerically illeterate.
In life, there are so many changes each day, so many uncertainties, so many events happening. If we list down each type of canges it will be endless and to categorise them is a neverending task as our perceptions changed with the environment. I only believe in knowledge being the fixed entity in the world, people can change, information can change, environment can change, climate can change, thoughts can change but only knowledge and wisdom will not change. We often ask oursleves why we exist in the first place but forget that we are fortunate to be a living person.
In life, we are forever seeking to live better, to make our existence to living. Rather than thinking of the impossible answer of why we exist, we could think about what can we do to make our environment , our fellow homosapiens more humane, our closed ones happy and our thinking more efficient.This is the real meaning of life and not mere existence. This is my life so I will live it to the fullest. Alright, I end here now.
Friday, August 18, 2006
The past 2 weeks
Been really relaxed nowadays, the first week was fast but this week was alright, got time to go to the library and even went for a swim on Thursday.I enjoyed being a student, the absence of politics and the freedom I have as a student. I know I am more capable as a clerk than a student but that is in the past, now I am going to enjoy myself as a student. Everyday, I get to eat delicious food, see a lot of good looking couples and listen to wacky or perhaps not, just lively lecturers giving their best in conducting the lessons. If there is no need to have exams then I would be more than happy.
In the past, I used to like exams as I do pretty well, if not perhaps acceptable in them. However, after so many setbacks , I began to question the purpose of exams, why are there exams in the first place? No matter how I might destest exams, in order to get past each semester, there is a need to clear the exams. Actually, passing will not be much of a problem but doing well is another totally different thing. I dare not hope for anything, just that I will be okay these 3-4 years.
There are a lot of thoughts in my mind recently that I am reluctant to pen them down as it requires a lot of time and the more I write, the more vexed I get. I know that there was once I feel so stressed that I ruined a supposedly enjoyable day for the whole family. I regretted it but what can I do? A lot of things are beyond my control, my shy and sensitive nature made people mistaken me as a cocky and selfish guy. In the past, I really believe that I am very bad, but after being tekan and ordered, I find that at least I am better than those people, I pity them that they do not even know they are atrocious and notorious and thinks that they are great.
I try to put away the idealistic thoughts but somehow I feel so insecured by not having these 'gauges'. So I often get so lost by not able to attain the high expectations I have of myself. Now, I am happier, but feel guilty that the past week, I have not done all that I planned. Be it the area games, friendship, studies, army, family, I always want to do to the extent of being flawless and complete that I feel overwhelmed by the prefection sometimes. Anyway, I just want to get past the army as soon as possible which is coming next Tuesday.
On one hand, I thought I have changed for the better but it seems that I have not changed much. Sudddenly, I am just like the shy and reserved guy I used to be in NYJC. In the army, I can talk to fellow campmates for hours and be an active listener. Now, I do not want to invest my time on making friends though it will be fun to know the people there. Actually, I would like some close friends just like I did in the army but I tell myself that it is better to be alone at least you won't get hurt. In the army, you have to rely on friends a lot and with the absencce of famiy members to support you, friends become more important.This is the reason I can give to myself for being the same.
Afterall, I might be just making use of the kind and friendly campmates I have, when I am out of army, I turn my back against them. I cannot be sure that it is really this case, if it is, well, then I haven't changed for the better which I thought I had. At least I once experience the joy of having some really close friendship. I expect that beside the person I love, i will not have close frienships with anyone, be it guy or girl. Perhaps it is that I need to be noticed before I can be someone's friend. In the army, some people are making use of me, outside, I do not have such high value of usage, that is why I do not even have such "friends". Well, anyway, it would be unfair to the other party if he/she have to make the first move and yet I refused to commit to the friendship.
It is fine with me as I am there to study not to be a kaypoh, poking into other people's business. I am just puzzled as to why I suddenlt revert to the previous self . I might have changed for the better or not , but does it matter? There are at least 20 thoughts in my mind now, but I will not pen them down here. Alright, I end here now.
In the past, I used to like exams as I do pretty well, if not perhaps acceptable in them. However, after so many setbacks , I began to question the purpose of exams, why are there exams in the first place? No matter how I might destest exams, in order to get past each semester, there is a need to clear the exams. Actually, passing will not be much of a problem but doing well is another totally different thing. I dare not hope for anything, just that I will be okay these 3-4 years.
There are a lot of thoughts in my mind recently that I am reluctant to pen them down as it requires a lot of time and the more I write, the more vexed I get. I know that there was once I feel so stressed that I ruined a supposedly enjoyable day for the whole family. I regretted it but what can I do? A lot of things are beyond my control, my shy and sensitive nature made people mistaken me as a cocky and selfish guy. In the past, I really believe that I am very bad, but after being tekan and ordered, I find that at least I am better than those people, I pity them that they do not even know they are atrocious and notorious and thinks that they are great.
I try to put away the idealistic thoughts but somehow I feel so insecured by not having these 'gauges'. So I often get so lost by not able to attain the high expectations I have of myself. Now, I am happier, but feel guilty that the past week, I have not done all that I planned. Be it the area games, friendship, studies, army, family, I always want to do to the extent of being flawless and complete that I feel overwhelmed by the prefection sometimes. Anyway, I just want to get past the army as soon as possible which is coming next Tuesday.
On one hand, I thought I have changed for the better but it seems that I have not changed much. Sudddenly, I am just like the shy and reserved guy I used to be in NYJC. In the army, I can talk to fellow campmates for hours and be an active listener. Now, I do not want to invest my time on making friends though it will be fun to know the people there. Actually, I would like some close friends just like I did in the army but I tell myself that it is better to be alone at least you won't get hurt. In the army, you have to rely on friends a lot and with the absencce of famiy members to support you, friends become more important.This is the reason I can give to myself for being the same.
Afterall, I might be just making use of the kind and friendly campmates I have, when I am out of army, I turn my back against them. I cannot be sure that it is really this case, if it is, well, then I haven't changed for the better which I thought I had. At least I once experience the joy of having some really close friendship. I expect that beside the person I love, i will not have close frienships with anyone, be it guy or girl. Perhaps it is that I need to be noticed before I can be someone's friend. In the army, some people are making use of me, outside, I do not have such high value of usage, that is why I do not even have such "friends". Well, anyway, it would be unfair to the other party if he/she have to make the first move and yet I refused to commit to the friendship.
It is fine with me as I am there to study not to be a kaypoh, poking into other people's business. I am just puzzled as to why I suddenlt revert to the previous self . I might have changed for the better or not , but does it matter? There are at least 20 thoughts in my mind now, but I will not pen them down here. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Some updates
On monday, I officially got enrolled as a student of SIM and on the first day, lectures are already starting on that day. It brings back the memories of the good old JC days. Though I am not able to enter into local University, I am contented to be able to study a course that have preference over engineering courses. It is not going to be easy and I do not have much confidence in myself, just want to attend lectures, do the tutorials, just like what I have been doing in JC. I know that passsing is not a problem but I am not really able to interpret the questions correctly so I have the knowledge but do not answer the question.
You might say why not do a good job in undestanding the question but I do not have much confidence in myself to be able to do that. I hope I can be studious just like I used to be though it has been almost 3 years I am a student. Actually, I expect myself to be even more hardworking, as in the past, I could not do well even in a simple combi, not to mention I have to tackle a harder course and the subjects are so heavy. Thus I really put my mind to study and nothing else. However, sadly, I know in the end, it will be the same, I might just pass, and continue to hurt the people I like and I will be more vexed. Why am I like that?
Ideally, I must do well, study harder, be more analytical, and not be emotionally involved with anyone. Sadly, the more ideal I want my life to be , the more worse it gets. Anyway, no matter what, I will be the same old me as I have been for the 12 years of studies I undergo, the studious and nerdy guy I used to be. I will attend the lectures, do the tutorials as the lectures cost $100 per session , plus the additional $200 per month of expenses, adding up, the course costs $35000. On average,it is $5000 for half a year, $800 over dollars a month. It is double the pay when I was a clerk in the army. So be it for myself or for my father who put in so much money, I must work hard.
Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to do well because of my intellect, I do not wish for anyting else, just that I can graduate and not let my father and myself down. I know I am getting paranoid, over anxious again, but I cannot help it. It is rather pressurizing even now as it involves a lot of money plus the previous failures I encountered, I will endure and strive on. I do not want to hope for anything, just that I will do my part by being a committed student be it whether I will do well or not.
The first week is really packed, with the leturers covering so much content in a week that I do not have time to slack. It is good at least I do not have much time to be engrossed in my absurd and irrational thoughts. Met some new friends , they are amiable and do not mind being friends with me. It is just that I sometimes do not agree to their views and I could not click with them as they lead a different kind of private life from me. Still, I thank them for being so nice to me , I am sorry if I am too weird but that is me. I will not compromise my studies anymore for useless things now. I am looking forward to a busy but enjoyable life for the next 3.5 years. Alright, I end here now.
You might say why not do a good job in undestanding the question but I do not have much confidence in myself to be able to do that. I hope I can be studious just like I used to be though it has been almost 3 years I am a student. Actually, I expect myself to be even more hardworking, as in the past, I could not do well even in a simple combi, not to mention I have to tackle a harder course and the subjects are so heavy. Thus I really put my mind to study and nothing else. However, sadly, I know in the end, it will be the same, I might just pass, and continue to hurt the people I like and I will be more vexed. Why am I like that?
Ideally, I must do well, study harder, be more analytical, and not be emotionally involved with anyone. Sadly, the more ideal I want my life to be , the more worse it gets. Anyway, no matter what, I will be the same old me as I have been for the 12 years of studies I undergo, the studious and nerdy guy I used to be. I will attend the lectures, do the tutorials as the lectures cost $100 per session , plus the additional $200 per month of expenses, adding up, the course costs $35000. On average,it is $5000 for half a year, $800 over dollars a month. It is double the pay when I was a clerk in the army. So be it for myself or for my father who put in so much money, I must work hard.
Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to do well because of my intellect, I do not wish for anyting else, just that I can graduate and not let my father and myself down. I know I am getting paranoid, over anxious again, but I cannot help it. It is rather pressurizing even now as it involves a lot of money plus the previous failures I encountered, I will endure and strive on. I do not want to hope for anything, just that I will do my part by being a committed student be it whether I will do well or not.
The first week is really packed, with the leturers covering so much content in a week that I do not have time to slack. It is good at least I do not have much time to be engrossed in my absurd and irrational thoughts. Met some new friends , they are amiable and do not mind being friends with me. It is just that I sometimes do not agree to their views and I could not click with them as they lead a different kind of private life from me. Still, I thank them for being so nice to me , I am sorry if I am too weird but that is me. I will not compromise my studies anymore for useless things now. I am looking forward to a busy but enjoyable life for the next 3.5 years. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Going for my studies
On friday, I am officially free from the meaningless things that have been bothering me all these while, It is a relief as I did all I could and all that I want. I did not owe anyone anything and no one owes me anything. Although people might say that being a clerk is really relaxed, the stress that we sometimes go through and the anger that we cannot express sometimes make me wonder why am I here to be scolded by someone who received lesser education than I. There are times when I wanted to shout back but I do not want to be accused of insubordination so I held back. It is true that we only need to experience mental stress unlike the combatants having to endure both physical and mental stress, being treated worse than dogs by some psychotic superiors.
Of course, in the SAF, there are few cases of abuse and exploitation, so our NSFs are treated humanely most of the times. I do not blame the SAF for having such psychotic superiors, the culprits are taking the government money and making lifes of the NSFs very difficult. In any organisation, there will be black sheeps, so it is okay. I am not so stupid as to be verbally abused by these psychotic superiors repeatedly, if they overdo it, I will complain to the higher commanders and make sure that they will learn the lesson of not being too cocky and think of themselves as indispensable. Not to mean any offence, those who scolded vulgarities are those who are not cultured and most of them do not have much tasks. For those who are very busy, they are more capable and too busy to bother about their subordinates. It is important not to be the same as them , as it puts me the same level as them. I do not blame them for being lowly educated, at least I am luckier so why should I degrade myself?
Anyway, be it happy or sad, I am out of the place now, why brood over some idiotic people who once made my life miserable. I admit I am much luckier as I need not endure physical stress and made to do things that are far beyond me. However, it is sometimes hard to accept that you wasted 2 years plus to be abused by people. In the past, I used to be very quiet and the teachers do not even scold me not mention scolding vulgarities. There are also very nice regulars and it is a pleasure to work for them. In these 2 years, I learn not to be bullied by people so easily, and not be bothered by those idiots. I also learn to work with people. I gain a lot of life skills and learn to be humble.
Right now, I believe the idiots cannot make me do anything as I am a civillian and I am able to concentrate on my studies. Fortunately, the amount of fond memories outweighs the amount of upleasant encounters, especially with those idiots. I am ready to lead a new life now. Alright, I end here now.
Of course, in the SAF, there are few cases of abuse and exploitation, so our NSFs are treated humanely most of the times. I do not blame the SAF for having such psychotic superiors, the culprits are taking the government money and making lifes of the NSFs very difficult. In any organisation, there will be black sheeps, so it is okay. I am not so stupid as to be verbally abused by these psychotic superiors repeatedly, if they overdo it, I will complain to the higher commanders and make sure that they will learn the lesson of not being too cocky and think of themselves as indispensable. Not to mean any offence, those who scolded vulgarities are those who are not cultured and most of them do not have much tasks. For those who are very busy, they are more capable and too busy to bother about their subordinates. It is important not to be the same as them , as it puts me the same level as them. I do not blame them for being lowly educated, at least I am luckier so why should I degrade myself?
Anyway, be it happy or sad, I am out of the place now, why brood over some idiotic people who once made my life miserable. I admit I am much luckier as I need not endure physical stress and made to do things that are far beyond me. However, it is sometimes hard to accept that you wasted 2 years plus to be abused by people. In the past, I used to be very quiet and the teachers do not even scold me not mention scolding vulgarities. There are also very nice regulars and it is a pleasure to work for them. In these 2 years, I learn not to be bullied by people so easily, and not be bothered by those idiots. I also learn to work with people. I gain a lot of life skills and learn to be humble.
Right now, I believe the idiots cannot make me do anything as I am a civillian and I am able to concentrate on my studies. Fortunately, the amount of fond memories outweighs the amount of upleasant encounters, especially with those idiots. I am ready to lead a new life now. Alright, I end here now.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Finally it is over
Next week will be my last week in camp, it is going to be rather rush . After 2 years plus in SGC, I can't deny I do have feelings for that place, for the people I met. I did not expect to have at least a dozen of close friends, in the pats, I do not have more than three good friends. I met over 250 people in a short span of 2 years 3 months, people might think I am too free that I can count the number of people I worked with but I am just like that if not I won't feel at ease.
There are certain habits that I failed to cahnge, one of them is digging of my ears, but there are significant changes, I am more able to talk to people now. Still, I am rather shy with unfamiliar people, it is natural.
I am more lucky in the sense that the experience changed me to a more confident and amiable person. Seeing most people complain about how tough their army life is in the blogs, I can just say that I am luckier. 3.5 working days and I am going to embark on a new journey. I have done all I could to make the best out of the 2 years 4 months, I even took a re-exam for my A levels during this period. Though it is a failed attmept , it taught me that once you have put in your best , there should be no regrets. I can say that I did put in a lot of effort for the exams, afterall, it is tough juggling work and studies at the same time. I failed to do a good job, what to do?
My relationship with girls is still the same, though the girl I like already has a bf, I am the least hurt as I know it is a one sided thing. Anyway, I believe such things cannot be forced, if not I will end up hurting myself and the other party. I have also done all I want for the 2 years 4 months. My personality have changed but I believe at times, I still prefer to be alone. When you are alone, you can really face yourself, reflect on your actions. Sometimes, we are too harsh with oursleves, to other people, it is the time for us to think through certain issues. I am too ambitious sometime, too perfectionistic, too self centred at times, it is through these sessions that I try to remedy the flaws.
I do not know why my entries are always filled with thoughts unlike other people who can write about their happy outings or encounter with nasty people. Perhaps I am just like that, always full of thoughts and fail to realise that in fact I am really lucky. Yesterday, just heard a story on the radio. It is about an angel meeting young poet who is good looking, talented, young and have a beautiful wife lamenting that he does not have happiness. Then the angel ask the poet why he is unhappy though he already have such good life. The poet replied that he needs happiness. The angel took away the things the poet own , his looks, fortune, talents and his youth. After one month, he returned to see the poet in a poor state. He gave the poet everything he owned before, and now the poet thanked the angel and was very happy. Sometimes, we only looked at the good things others are in possession of, failing to realise that we are ourselves much luckier. Of course, I do not want myself to lose all that I have now, but sometimes I just want more.
Human beings are so strange, most of us do not realise that we should be contented with what we possess. It is only that when we lose the things that we lament at how great our lifes used to be in the past. I envy those people who can be contented with their lifes, at least they will not have much regrets and desires. Though my life is quite good now, I still blame myself for not achieving more and I still want more good things. That is why even if right now I get all I want and live a flawless and "conflictless" life, I will still find things to be unhappy about. Well, that is me, I accept myself to have this type of thinking.
According to the Chinese saying, "zhi zu chang le", we should be contented with our lives and we will always be happy. However, only a handful of the people I know can do that, regradless of race, financial background, country and religion, we are born to be competitive. The famous theory of the survival of the fittest already proved this. Those who can be contented with their lives are the most blessed and fortunate.
I might be wrong but after writing this, I am much at ease. Alright, I end here now.
There are certain habits that I failed to cahnge, one of them is digging of my ears, but there are significant changes, I am more able to talk to people now. Still, I am rather shy with unfamiliar people, it is natural.
I am more lucky in the sense that the experience changed me to a more confident and amiable person. Seeing most people complain about how tough their army life is in the blogs, I can just say that I am luckier. 3.5 working days and I am going to embark on a new journey. I have done all I could to make the best out of the 2 years 4 months, I even took a re-exam for my A levels during this period. Though it is a failed attmept , it taught me that once you have put in your best , there should be no regrets. I can say that I did put in a lot of effort for the exams, afterall, it is tough juggling work and studies at the same time. I failed to do a good job, what to do?
My relationship with girls is still the same, though the girl I like already has a bf, I am the least hurt as I know it is a one sided thing. Anyway, I believe such things cannot be forced, if not I will end up hurting myself and the other party. I have also done all I want for the 2 years 4 months. My personality have changed but I believe at times, I still prefer to be alone. When you are alone, you can really face yourself, reflect on your actions. Sometimes, we are too harsh with oursleves, to other people, it is the time for us to think through certain issues. I am too ambitious sometime, too perfectionistic, too self centred at times, it is through these sessions that I try to remedy the flaws.
I do not know why my entries are always filled with thoughts unlike other people who can write about their happy outings or encounter with nasty people. Perhaps I am just like that, always full of thoughts and fail to realise that in fact I am really lucky. Yesterday, just heard a story on the radio. It is about an angel meeting young poet who is good looking, talented, young and have a beautiful wife lamenting that he does not have happiness. Then the angel ask the poet why he is unhappy though he already have such good life. The poet replied that he needs happiness. The angel took away the things the poet own , his looks, fortune, talents and his youth. After one month, he returned to see the poet in a poor state. He gave the poet everything he owned before, and now the poet thanked the angel and was very happy. Sometimes, we only looked at the good things others are in possession of, failing to realise that we are ourselves much luckier. Of course, I do not want myself to lose all that I have now, but sometimes I just want more.
Human beings are so strange, most of us do not realise that we should be contented with what we possess. It is only that when we lose the things that we lament at how great our lifes used to be in the past. I envy those people who can be contented with their lifes, at least they will not have much regrets and desires. Though my life is quite good now, I still blame myself for not achieving more and I still want more good things. That is why even if right now I get all I want and live a flawless and "conflictless" life, I will still find things to be unhappy about. Well, that is me, I accept myself to have this type of thinking.
According to the Chinese saying, "zhi zu chang le", we should be contented with our lives and we will always be happy. However, only a handful of the people I know can do that, regradless of race, financial background, country and religion, we are born to be competitive. The famous theory of the survival of the fittest already proved this. Those who can be contented with their lives are the most blessed and fortunate.
I might be wrong but after writing this, I am much at ease. Alright, I end here now.
Friday, July 14, 2006
10 more days to go
Yipee! It has finally come to this stage of my life when I am ending my 2 years 4 months journey in NS soon. A lot of thoughts kept lingering in my mind and it is a strange feeling. Perhaps I am much lukier, I did not suffer much during my NS life. That is why I can afford to have fond memories of the times spent with close friends and not just bad and unpleasant memories.
Suddenly, I remember the time when I first set off to Tekong with my parents, it seem to be a long time. Still, in my mind, I will never forget having a caring Platoon Sergeant and a good section commander. Thus the time spent in Tekong is the most memorable though perhaps not the happiest. At that time, we got to try many new stuffs and almost everyone work together to overcome the new challenges. All of a sudden, I like to write the thoughts of being a clerk.
Being a clerk is more safe but less exciting, anyway, I am gald I can be a capable clerk and not a cockster. At times, I will think about what do I really want to get from this 2 years plus. However, now I can say that the time spent is not wasted as I changed for the better and have a more mature thinking. A lot of people complain about what a waste of time and resticion of freedom NS is. Some who are downgraded think that being a clerk is really a total watse of time. It is true to a certain extent, being a clerk can be challenging too as there are a lot of different clerks: Manpower, Log , Training, Signal, Combat and of these, it is subdivided into document clerk, trainer clerk, training clerk, finance clerk, training support clerk, IPPT clerk, Publication clerk, IPPT clerk, mob clerk, brigade clerk, Log clerk, combat clerk, PAs and store clerk etc......
I am a trainer cum training support clerk cum IPPT clerk, so it can get quite busy at times. Being a clerk does not mean you sit in the office the whole day though some really do that. For me, my job does not require me to be in the office the whole day, I can roam about to settle things but it is quite tiring at times. I admit that clerks are less physically inclined but we do play an indirect part in NS by providing services to active NSFs and NSmen. We do have a better life generally, and most of us are slackers, but that does not render us as good for nothings like what my previous training warrant thought. In fact, it is up to the individual whether he bother to learn more each day as there are new challenges daily. We do have our hard times when we deal with unreasonable and rude superiors.
By the way, I am quite surprised that I can change for the better and make the 2 years a pleasant and fruitful experience. Soon, I am embarking on another journey full of unprecedented happenings and challenges.I believe I will learn even more things on this journey. Alright, I end here now.
Suddenly, I remember the time when I first set off to Tekong with my parents, it seem to be a long time. Still, in my mind, I will never forget having a caring Platoon Sergeant and a good section commander. Thus the time spent in Tekong is the most memorable though perhaps not the happiest. At that time, we got to try many new stuffs and almost everyone work together to overcome the new challenges. All of a sudden, I like to write the thoughts of being a clerk.
Being a clerk is more safe but less exciting, anyway, I am gald I can be a capable clerk and not a cockster. At times, I will think about what do I really want to get from this 2 years plus. However, now I can say that the time spent is not wasted as I changed for the better and have a more mature thinking. A lot of people complain about what a waste of time and resticion of freedom NS is. Some who are downgraded think that being a clerk is really a total watse of time. It is true to a certain extent, being a clerk can be challenging too as there are a lot of different clerks: Manpower, Log , Training, Signal, Combat and of these, it is subdivided into document clerk, trainer clerk, training clerk, finance clerk, training support clerk, IPPT clerk, Publication clerk, IPPT clerk, mob clerk, brigade clerk, Log clerk, combat clerk, PAs and store clerk etc......
I am a trainer cum training support clerk cum IPPT clerk, so it can get quite busy at times. Being a clerk does not mean you sit in the office the whole day though some really do that. For me, my job does not require me to be in the office the whole day, I can roam about to settle things but it is quite tiring at times. I admit that clerks are less physically inclined but we do play an indirect part in NS by providing services to active NSFs and NSmen. We do have a better life generally, and most of us are slackers, but that does not render us as good for nothings like what my previous training warrant thought. In fact, it is up to the individual whether he bother to learn more each day as there are new challenges daily. We do have our hard times when we deal with unreasonable and rude superiors.
By the way, I am quite surprised that I can change for the better and make the 2 years a pleasant and fruitful experience. Soon, I am embarking on another journey full of unprecedented happenings and challenges.I believe I will learn even more things on this journey. Alright, I end here now.
Friday, July 07, 2006
The remaining days
Yipee! 15 working days and I am gone. A lot of thoughts though I am leaving soon. I have mature a lot through these 2 years plus. Still, my relationship with girls is still the same, at the friend level. The person I like already have a bf, so for the time being, I will not think about such things. Just went for my dental FFI this Wednesday, saw the officers from my unit, in their civillian clothing, they are just like ordinary guys like me. It is so strange that in camp , they are so differnent from us. Anyway, I do not know of any friends who are NSF officers in the SAF, so I guess in future, I would not have anything to do with them too. Plus, they are mostly in local Universities, so that made it even more rare to make friends with them.
For the past 2 years, I still remain a non-smoker, that is a really heartening thing, unlike what one of the enciks who said that learning to smoke will turn me into an adult. That is bullshit,I never once believe in it and I am glad that even without smoking, I am an adult now. I am not boycotting those who smoke but it is my choice to be a non-smoker, please respect my choice and don't come up with absurd reason to lurk me into smoking. I know that despite writing so much, my blog is not viewed by anyone, but now it serve as an avenue to pen my thoughts.
Being able to type is better than wriring as the handwriting is nicer and the speed is faster.
Next week, we are moving bunk again, so sian, it is the second time I am moving bunk during my time in SGC. Why should we move? I guess we do not have much choice, just do what you are told. One of the regular officers told me that in the army, just do what you are told, dun try to be a smart alex and do things you should not do. I have always do that, that is why I survived the 2 years, nowadays, the clerks need not serve 2 years in a unit, fairly less than 2 years. What I am trying to say is that just be obedient and dun be a smart alex and you will pass the 2 years safely. My time in my unit is not totally peaceful though, I treat it as a learning experience. My journey in the army is coming to an end soon and I hope I will ORD in peace. Alright, I end here now.
For the past 2 years, I still remain a non-smoker, that is a really heartening thing, unlike what one of the enciks who said that learning to smoke will turn me into an adult. That is bullshit,I never once believe in it and I am glad that even without smoking, I am an adult now. I am not boycotting those who smoke but it is my choice to be a non-smoker, please respect my choice and don't come up with absurd reason to lurk me into smoking. I know that despite writing so much, my blog is not viewed by anyone, but now it serve as an avenue to pen my thoughts.
Being able to type is better than wriring as the handwriting is nicer and the speed is faster.
Next week, we are moving bunk again, so sian, it is the second time I am moving bunk during my time in SGC. Why should we move? I guess we do not have much choice, just do what you are told. One of the regular officers told me that in the army, just do what you are told, dun try to be a smart alex and do things you should not do. I have always do that, that is why I survived the 2 years, nowadays, the clerks need not serve 2 years in a unit, fairly less than 2 years. What I am trying to say is that just be obedient and dun be a smart alex and you will pass the 2 years safely. My time in my unit is not totally peaceful though, I treat it as a learning experience. My journey in the army is coming to an end soon and I hope I will ORD in peace. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
20 more days to go!
In another month's time, I believe I will not be in SGC working anymore as I will be studying in SIM. This week has been quite tormenting as I was sick on Wednesday, the feeling is really hell.
Worse still, I still have to stand in for my colleague for the conduct of IPPT, how sian. Nevertheless, it was fortunate that nothing crops up if not the time taken will be longer.
I have been wondering whether I am too 'capable' that most people look for me to help them. It is nothing bad but one day I will have to leave and it is time to stop being so 'helpful' if not I will be like my colleague BEN Tan working even on his ORD day. Perhaps they are just making use of me, perhaps I am too sensitive. Anyway, I have planned my schedule for the next 4 weeks. It is going to be busy, FFI , clearance, leave forecast, duty, AFR and the outstanding tasks. Perhaps I am over ambitious, there are some tasks that I will never have enough time to accomplish but idealistically, I would like them to be done. In the end, I know in my heart that they will not be settled.
Be it happy or sad, be it painful or relieved, or just plain normal, that day will come. I guess I could still ORD without doing most of their outstanding tasks but I do not want to be irresponsible like my upper upper study who is the upperstudy of my upperstudy. In other words, he is sort of my senior. He dumped everything to my upperstudy and now I am still helping to clear some of his 'shit' aas my upperstudy was unable to do much due to his busy work schedule. However, sometimes, I thought of just dumping everything to others then I will ORD happily. I still want to be responsible as in future my work will require responsibility if now I am already so irresponsible, then in future I might become worse .
Anyway, I plan to do the major and crucial task first then do my clearance, and say bye bye to camp. I cannot afford to be too concerned with camp matters as I need to prepare for my study life. Hopefully, everything will go as planned. Alright, I end here now.
Worse still, I still have to stand in for my colleague for the conduct of IPPT, how sian. Nevertheless, it was fortunate that nothing crops up if not the time taken will be longer.
I have been wondering whether I am too 'capable' that most people look for me to help them. It is nothing bad but one day I will have to leave and it is time to stop being so 'helpful' if not I will be like my colleague BEN Tan working even on his ORD day. Perhaps they are just making use of me, perhaps I am too sensitive. Anyway, I have planned my schedule for the next 4 weeks. It is going to be busy, FFI , clearance, leave forecast, duty, AFR and the outstanding tasks. Perhaps I am over ambitious, there are some tasks that I will never have enough time to accomplish but idealistically, I would like them to be done. In the end, I know in my heart that they will not be settled.
Be it happy or sad, be it painful or relieved, or just plain normal, that day will come. I guess I could still ORD without doing most of their outstanding tasks but I do not want to be irresponsible like my upper upper study who is the upperstudy of my upperstudy. In other words, he is sort of my senior. He dumped everything to my upperstudy and now I am still helping to clear some of his 'shit' aas my upperstudy was unable to do much due to his busy work schedule. However, sometimes, I thought of just dumping everything to others then I will ORD happily. I still want to be responsible as in future my work will require responsibility if now I am already so irresponsible, then in future I might become worse .
Anyway, I plan to do the major and crucial task first then do my clearance, and say bye bye to camp. I cannot afford to be too concerned with camp matters as I need to prepare for my study life. Hopefully, everything will go as planned. Alright, I end here now.
Friday, June 23, 2006
35 days to go
In 35 days time, I am embarking on a new journey in my life. It has been 2 years 8 months since I studied. Life as a student will be even more challenging, and I have to move on with life. I hope I can go and leave peacefully, without any painful memories. A lot of admin stuff to do, ORD
clearance, AFR, leave forecast, leftover tasks. I do not yearn for much now, just quietly do everything that is needed.
I know I still have a long way to go before I can get everything I want, a career, stable income, leisure time and skills. In life, we yearn to be somebody but in the end are we really the "somebody" we yearn for in the first place? I do not wish to be ideal, perfect or outstanding, I just want to be myself. Sometimes, it is hard to be just yourself as it is not up to one to decide who he wants to be in this competitive society. Sometimes, society just cannot accept part of you and you have to change to being someone you do not even know.
How many people can actually be able to be himself and not just "somebody" in today's society?
Even that "somebody" we yearn for do want to be normal just like us. So after so much effort to be that somebody, we end up being neither that somebody or our true self. In order to survive, we have to wear many layers of masks that we feel so meaningless and lose interest in the things we do. The important thing is not to lose your own identity. Being a normal and true person is my aim. I have been trying to be one the past 2 years. Alright, I end here now.
clearance, AFR, leave forecast, leftover tasks. I do not yearn for much now, just quietly do everything that is needed.
I know I still have a long way to go before I can get everything I want, a career, stable income, leisure time and skills. In life, we yearn to be somebody but in the end are we really the "somebody" we yearn for in the first place? I do not wish to be ideal, perfect or outstanding, I just want to be myself. Sometimes, it is hard to be just yourself as it is not up to one to decide who he wants to be in this competitive society. Sometimes, society just cannot accept part of you and you have to change to being someone you do not even know.
How many people can actually be able to be himself and not just "somebody" in today's society?
Even that "somebody" we yearn for do want to be normal just like us. So after so much effort to be that somebody, we end up being neither that somebody or our true self. In order to survive, we have to wear many layers of masks that we feel so meaningless and lose interest in the things we do. The important thing is not to lose your own identity. Being a normal and true person is my aim. I have been trying to be one the past 2 years. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
2 YEARS IN SGC
It has been really fast, I have been in SGC for 2 years liao! 2 years ago, I am still a blur cock, now it is so different, a lot of things have changed, even the friendship I have with the girl I have a good impression of. Now she has alraedy have a bf, no point writing to her anymore lest there are ununecessary misunderstandings. Anyway, these 2 years have been a turning point in my life. From someone who is cocky and timid to a person more confident and humble. From someone who used to despise poly students to being great friends with them and being viewed as a poly student. I discovered that when it comes to friends, anyone can be my friend, it is just that I used to be cool and aloof. Poly students are more open and straightforward, it is really relaxing to be their friends.
In the span of 2 years, I learnt to be more brave and yet assertive. A lot of changes occurred, the transformation of a training centre to a training institute, the unsuccessful re-examination, the change of job scope. Although everything will be resetted after I ORD, it is an experience afterall. I also went to Thailand for once and experienced life overseas for 2 weeks.
I used to be perfectionistic and idealistic but the current me is more realistic and optimistic.
Though there are really miserable times, there are times of extreme happiness and joy. It is a learning period and a period of discovery as I am put to life challenges. I used to be someone indifferent and perhaps slightly autistic. Actually, sometimes, it is not others that boycott me rather it is my cool and aloof nature that shuns them away from me.
I believe these 2 years enable me to better survuve in the Universuty and the society. I still have a lot to learn from others. Alright, I edn here now.
In the span of 2 years, I learnt to be more brave and yet assertive. A lot of changes occurred, the transformation of a training centre to a training institute, the unsuccessful re-examination, the change of job scope. Although everything will be resetted after I ORD, it is an experience afterall. I also went to Thailand for once and experienced life overseas for 2 weeks.
I used to be perfectionistic and idealistic but the current me is more realistic and optimistic.
Though there are really miserable times, there are times of extreme happiness and joy. It is a learning period and a period of discovery as I am put to life challenges. I used to be someone indifferent and perhaps slightly autistic. Actually, sometimes, it is not others that boycott me rather it is my cool and aloof nature that shuns them away from me.
I believe these 2 years enable me to better survuve in the Universuty and the society. I still have a lot to learn from others. Alright, I edn here now.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Emptiness
Suddenly, I feel so empty inside. Be it leisure or camp stuff, it does not matter whether I fininsh the tasks or stuffs anymore. In the past, I used to be more motivated and I would engage in leisure activities to relax myself but now for the past 2 months, I feel so lethargic. I guess it is becasue school is starting soon, I am more interested in my studies than anything else. I did not complete guild wars, FF8 , FF10,tontie and sonic the hedgehog, anfd the books I read are sort of redundant. I do not even remeber 50% of the content. Moreover, I do not have much motivation to keep fit, to have a clean face. I realized that I have been really unhappy in the past, I even want to ensure I complete a game before going to the next one. I guess I was too rigid and perfectionist in the past. Though it is a bit uncomfortable, I will continue to be happy and not be bothered by these uncomplete tasks. I discovered that in life, one cannot be too obstinate and idealistic. Sometimes, things are beyond our control.
Ideally, the past 2 years should be spent in a combat unit, and I will study in local University afer I ORD which is supposedly next Friday.I should have gain more weight and be more maculine. However, I am now a clerk in SGC and still serving the nation. I failed to enter local U and instead have to fork out half of my University school fees. Though it is really the opposite from the ideal situation, I am still living well. I always think I would be so lucky as to live my life as what I plan but these setbacks taught me to think of alternatives and be more brave. I finally realized that my life cannot be so ideal anymore. The uncomplete tasks are small matters compared to the army posting and the academic setback.
Sometimes, I do feel uncomfortable for the "impefections" in my life, but I tell myself o live happily and gradually, there will be new challenges that I will have no time to feel unhappy over the past imperfections.For the uncomplete tasks, so be it, for the academic setback, well it served as a warning to me not to be complacent in future. For the NS posting, well, I am going to ORD so why bother. I just worry that now that I have free time, yet I do not want to do the things I want, what will happen when school starts, I might be lazy again. This time round, it involves a lot of money and it is no joking matter. Anyway, I am preparing myself for the course in the coming weeks. The past 2 months have been rather slack in camp as I find no meaning in doing so much for the army when I am leaving the camp soon. Now I am ensuirng that I do not leave behind outstanding tasks for my understudy adn colleagues. I lose my drive and it is normal as the job itself is not based on much of a motivation to start with. Alright, I end here now.
Ideally, the past 2 years should be spent in a combat unit, and I will study in local University afer I ORD which is supposedly next Friday.I should have gain more weight and be more maculine. However, I am now a clerk in SGC and still serving the nation. I failed to enter local U and instead have to fork out half of my University school fees. Though it is really the opposite from the ideal situation, I am still living well. I always think I would be so lucky as to live my life as what I plan but these setbacks taught me to think of alternatives and be more brave. I finally realized that my life cannot be so ideal anymore. The uncomplete tasks are small matters compared to the army posting and the academic setback.
Sometimes, I do feel uncomfortable for the "impefections" in my life, but I tell myself o live happily and gradually, there will be new challenges that I will have no time to feel unhappy over the past imperfections.For the uncomplete tasks, so be it, for the academic setback, well it served as a warning to me not to be complacent in future. For the NS posting, well, I am going to ORD so why bother. I just worry that now that I have free time, yet I do not want to do the things I want, what will happen when school starts, I might be lazy again. This time round, it involves a lot of money and it is no joking matter. Anyway, I am preparing myself for the course in the coming weeks. The past 2 months have been rather slack in camp as I find no meaning in doing so much for the army when I am leaving the camp soon. Now I am ensuirng that I do not leave behind outstanding tasks for my understudy adn colleagues. I lose my drive and it is normal as the job itself is not based on much of a motivation to start with. Alright, I end here now.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
A Normal Week
8 more weeks and I will be embarking on a new phase in my life. This week have been normal, nothing much, just plain normal. Yesterday, just performed duty clerk, I guess that is my duty clerk falling on weekend, my last weekend duty. On friday, my family and I went to Macperson food centre to have dinner to celebrate my mother's birthday. It was quite memorable not only because it is the first tome we dine at 8:30p.m in a food centre but aslo because of the dshes. The fish, kangkong and even the sotong (squid) are all spicy, making us really ' hot' inside. It is a bit too hard to accept but nevertheless they are quite tasty, I will remeber this outing because it is my first time tasting such a combo of spicy dishes. Life is peaceful for me luckily all this while. I think a normal week for me is this week , family outing, nights off and duty. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Getting nearer to ORD day
In 9 weeks time, I am going to clear my leave. Howevr unlike most of the guys, I am going to study at SIM. I got used to clearing my leave or off for my studies. At least I believed that in this way, the leave and off serve some purpose. I beleive that I have the right to clear my leave at one shot to go for my studies, my superior cannot stop me from doing that. Well, it is hard to say , I may be wrong. After the anniversary, I am going to embark on a new phase of my life. I guess by that time, army stuff and SAF will seem foriegn to me. A lot of things, mainly relations will change. The only thing that will not change is the fact that I spend 2 years 4 months in the army. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Change of course
On thursday, I just received a letter from SIM informing me that I have been offered a place for the course in accountancy held jointly by SIM and RMIT. I was overjoyed but at the same time worried that I will not be able to get the refund for the course in Mathematics woth Economics applied earlier on. Fortunately, I will be able to get the full refund if not the $4200 paid will be wasted. Though I got what I want, I still have to work very hard for the course if not it will be a waste. not everyone is as luvky as I am, I am just scared that I will not be ablre to cope with the hectic schedule. I tell myself not to be so complacnet and seek help when necessary. NTU rejected me once again, it is the third time but it no longer bother me so much. 10 more weeks and lessons will start. 10 weeks is a short period but anything can happen so I must persevere and not commit any mistakes and delay my ORD and pre-ORD leave. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
100 days to ORD
In exactly 100 days, I am going to ORD. 100 days is short but somehow I still feel a bit unhappy, I am still brooding over certain things. Aiyah, a lot of things is beyond my control, I just hope that for the next 100 days, i will not commit any mistakes. All that I want to do, I have done them. Perhaps it is this lack of aim that makes me so flustered. In the past, i am too busy to think about such issues bu now I actually become so complacent. How I wish I am not complacent then my NS life will be filled with fond memories rather than sickening encounters. Anyway, I tell myslef to bear with it. 100 days is really fast, my only hope is to ORD safely. Alright, i end here now.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Count down to ORD
In around 108 days, I am going to ORD liao! It is 15 weeks and 3 days, how fast it is but I have serve longer than most people. Today is election day but it does not concern me, and I know the outcome will always be the same. At least the election did add some spice to the " mundane and boring " life that Singaporeans lead. However, seriously speaking, i do not think the life being a Singaporean is boring. Instead, we are exposed to more ideas than our fellow Asian or even South East Asian counterparts. it is just that we are far more indifferent and more conscientious. Well, at least we have a stable government despite some minor complaints about day to day issues. Thus, I can feel safe in Sinagpore and worry about personal things rather than national issues. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Long weekend
This coming Monday is Labour Day and I get to enjoy an additional day at home. Till now, I really do not have much troubles and in 3 months time I am going to ORD. I suddenly find that time passes really slow in camp yet really fast at home. After Labour day, it is Vesak day on the following friday, another long weekend. Then it is 2 months plus before I clear my leave. I am really sick sometimes having to do so many things for the office yet what will I get in return. Sometimes, I feel I am really stupid but it is sort of a commitment towards my work. I also don't know jow to say it, perhaps I am just too timid at times and too indecisive. Alright, I end here.
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