The past 2 weeks

Been really relaxed nowadays, the first week was fast but this week was alright, got time to go to the library and even went for a swim on Thursday.I enjoyed being a student, the absence of politics and the freedom I have as a student. I know I am more capable as a clerk than a student but that is in the past, now I am going to enjoy myself as a student. Everyday, I get to eat delicious food, see a lot of good looking couples and listen to wacky or perhaps not, just lively lecturers giving their best in conducting the lessons. If there is no need to have exams then I would be more than happy.

In the past, I used to like exams as I do pretty well, if not perhaps acceptable in them. However, after so many setbacks , I began to question the purpose of exams, why are there exams in the first place? No matter how I might destest exams, in order to get past each semester, there is a need to clear the exams. Actually, passing will not be much of a problem but doing well is another totally different thing. I dare not hope for anything, just that I will be okay these 3-4 years.

There are a lot of thoughts in my mind recently that I am reluctant to pen them down as it requires a lot of time and the more I write, the more vexed I get. I know that there was once I feel so stressed that I ruined a supposedly enjoyable day for the whole family. I regretted it but what can I do? A lot of things are beyond my control, my shy and sensitive nature made people mistaken me as a cocky and selfish guy. In the past, I really believe that I am very bad, but after being tekan and ordered, I find that at least I am better than those people, I pity them that they do not even know they are atrocious and notorious and thinks that they are great.

I try to put away the idealistic thoughts but somehow I feel so insecured by not having these 'gauges'. So I often get so lost by not able to attain the high expectations I have of myself. Now, I am happier, but feel guilty that the past week, I have not done all that I planned. Be it the area games, friendship, studies, army, family, I always want to do to the extent of being flawless and complete that I feel overwhelmed by the prefection sometimes. Anyway, I just want to get past the army as soon as possible which is coming next Tuesday.

On one hand, I thought I have changed for the better but it seems that I have not changed much. Sudddenly, I am just like the shy and reserved guy I used to be in NYJC. In the army, I can talk to fellow campmates for hours and be an active listener. Now, I do not want to invest my time on making friends though it will be fun to know the people there. Actually, I would like some close friends just like I did in the army but I tell myself that it is better to be alone at least you won't get hurt. In the army, you have to rely on friends a lot and with the absencce of famiy members to support you, friends become more important.This is the reason I can give to myself for being the same.

Afterall, I might be just making use of the kind and friendly campmates I have, when I am out of army, I turn my back against them. I cannot be sure that it is really this case, if it is, well, then I haven't changed for the better which I thought I had. At least I once experience the joy of having some really close friendship. I expect that beside the person I love, i will not have close frienships with anyone, be it guy or girl. Perhaps it is that I need to be noticed before I can be someone's friend. In the army, some people are making use of me, outside, I do not have such high value of usage, that is why I do not even have such "friends". Well, anyway, it would be unfair to the other party if he/she have to make the first move and yet I refused to commit to the friendship.

It is fine with me as I am there to study not to be a kaypoh, poking into other people's business. I am just puzzled as to why I suddenlt revert to the previous self . I might have changed for the better or not , but does it matter? There are at least 20 thoughts in my mind now, but I will not pen them down here. Alright, I end here now.