Death

How time flies, the Chinese new year past just like that, and soon we will be one quarter through with the year 2007. Time passes so rapidly that we sometimes loses track of it. Once our time on Earth is up, we have to depart from the Earth, through a process we called death. Recently
read on the papers about a new year reunion turned tragedy of a death of a man. His family members will be reminded of this painful loss of their loved ones during this period of time every year.

Some people say they are not afraid of death, some people are afraid of death. I belong to the latter and it is not cowardly or unmanly to be scared of death. Death brings an end to our existence on Earth and terminates the pursue of our hopes and aspirations. Depriving us of the opportunity to continue enjoy our time on earth with our loved ones. Yet some people choose death as a route to solve their problems, it is a pity that some people struggles to live but fail in the end , and those who can continue to live give up this chance.

Of course, I am lucky in a sense that I want to live and can live, satisfying the two conditions required to have a life. If you ask me what is the best age to die, my answer is indefinte as we don't even know when I will depart from this world. Ideally, it should be after all my loved ones are gone, after my hopes and dreams are fulfilled, till I feel there is nothing to be scared of, then I will die. To me, this state is impossible, as I am someone not easily contented ,I have infinite wishes.

I don't believe in recarnation, but I do believe that life will continue to be present as long as there is Earth, and vice versa. Millions of years later, billions of years later, somehow life will continue as it has always been. For now, I am very grateful to be able to live and wanting to live.Alright, I end here now.

Chinese New Year

Suddenly feel that CNY is just a simple holiday for me, in the past, used to have so much anticipation for the eve of CNY as it is really fun to stay up late to witness the arrival of another year. Now, after two years in the army, plus the festive mood is getting lower by year, CNY is just a holiday to me. In the past, used to spend the new year's eve with my grandma and small aunt, but now due to her walking difficulty, she no longer comes to my house for that night. The past two years have been okay, as CNY gives me a break from work, but this year it is so strange. The feeling is that " Huh? New year already liao, okay law, then it will be a normal day for me."

Don't know why CNY is so quiet nowadays, the festive shows are getting lesser and lesser, what is worse is there are so many repeats that makes people so sian. Then, the festive variety show on the eve of the new year is getting more sian by year, every year it is just dancing, singing , playing some games and then getting one fengshui master to tell us about which zodiac will be wang in the year of the zodiac that year. Aiyah, how come a supposedly fun and meaningful occasion becomes so boring nowadays.

Maybe I am different, but I only care about the hongbaos and nothing else. New clothes, festive goodies and television programmes no longer excites me that much. Well, hope that there won't be a day when CNY is just a public holiday to us Chinese one day, I believe there will be people who feels happy and understand the meaning of new year besides the good things. Wishing all a happy and lucky Chinese New Year.Alright, I end here now.

All this while

Well, has been almost 2 weeks since I wrote my previous entry, nothing unusual happened. Like many listeners and readers out there, I am an avid fan of the world of Datoufen, a radio show hosted by Peifen. It is about the happenings of a girl, Xiaofen, alias Datoufen in daily life. She is termed Datoufen because she likes to think a lot, so much so that her head is really "big". Of course, she doen't posses a "big" head, just a nickname she gives to herself. It is not those boring love story of a teenage girl, neither is it those that says what she does everyday. What attarcts me to the show is the lessons taught in most episodes. Although there was a time when the story is all about her and her ex boyfriend Ah toot, it is still interesting to see how two strangers become lovers.

Recently, there was a discussion on the blog about student and teacher having a relationship. To me , I am more old fashioned, I think that teachers should not date students as they are there to be seniors, to guide their students. At that point in time, affectuations are often misunderstood as love for most cases. After their teenage years, some students will realise that they might not love that teacher, merely have a crush on him or her. So it is important for teachers not to cross over the line of student and teachers. Indeed, love can exist between two people who have a large age difference, but there are few succcessful examples of a teacher and a student ending in marriage. I know there are others who have a different viewpoint, well, it is nothing wrong, but to me, it is very hard to accept a student-teacher relationship in a school.

Personally, I do not know of friends who have such relationship so perhaps I might be myopic. Another issue mentioned before in the show is the betrayal be friends. Well, there are many types of people in this world, some who are really devious, some who are really kind, to me, maybe it is because of my self centred nature and experience being betrayed by someone, I do not put my trust in friends. Only those who are really close to me will gain my trust, that is why I do not reveal my true self to others initially. I do not dare to say I am very observant but I believe in my judgement, and it seldom fail me. I am also lucky in the sense that I reveal my true self to the correct people, not those who will make use of me.

Normally, I will act aloof to outsiders, those who are merely peers, then for those whom I feel I can trust, then I will accept their help. So I have few friends, and people find me weird, well, it is a way to protect myself. After that betrayal, I do not dare to trust anyone so easily now. I believe there are others out there like me, but I wouldn't make friends with such people as I am also like them. I feel that be blogging, whatever I wouldn't normally tell others, I tell them in the entries, that gives me some form of comfort.

Compared to datoufen, I am really different from her. She is caring, kind and trusting. In reality, I do not meet such people as I do not bother to find such a person. Maybe it is my nature, I am more pessimistic and gloomy. I do not blame anyone for my moody life, just that at times wonder why I chose to be like this. When I read blogs posted by other people, I envy them, but to me it is really hard to be like them. I am me, not somebody else, why be like others? To those who have lots of friends, continue to make more friends, to those who don't have much friends, try to be happy in life. Alright , I end here now.

Hatred

Recently read a book about Hatred felt by human beings. It is sometimes scary to think about the massacre of the Jews or the suicide bombers being heroes in their group. The book did not take stands as to openly term these monstrous acts as sinful, it explores the reasons why they do such acts. You will be shocked to see that to be green with envy is detrimental to one well's being as mentioned in the book.Instead of the normal view most of us have that envy is nothing more than admiration. The author defined " envy is the bitter and resentful feeling that one has in the presence of and toward the person who is perceived as having traits superior to one's own. He later term envy as an amalgam of at least four different conditions: the first being that of the feeling of deprivation, secondly the feeling of being denied because the things we desire are possessed by others. Thirdly, we have a sense of impotence in the face of disparity.the last condition is we do not have what we desire not just that we do not have it but becasue others have it .

Whoa! Next time, I will use admire instead of envy since it entails so many harmful qualities. I guess the terrorist are not as cocky or daring as they might seem. They are just like us humans, they do those monstrous things is because as the book says they envy the life of the westerners and desire to have that kind of life. Sadly being extremists, they blame the westerners for what they do not have and attempt to take away the comfort and luxury they perceived the westerners are having. Of course, most of the world condemn their acts including myself, I can't forgive them for stirring such a period of fear and unrest these 5 years. I am lucky not to be in a community as them, so I can be on the normal side of the world.

There are just too many variations in human beings that at times, there is no sort of right and wrong in the context of our own community. The book merely include envy as one of the elements of hatred but I choose to see it this way that sane crime doers are full of envy for others. There are other factors such as humilation, anger, rage that are mentioned but the point on envy strikes me best. I am no experts in human behaviour like the author is, it is really beyond me to fully comprehend and accept the reasons behind abnormal behaviour such as extreme hatred. What I can say is I will not be so quick to place judgement in future about certain types of people. Hatred can be so scary! Alright, I end here now.

Strange World

Yesterday, chanced upon a blog by someone who was nearly killed by his mad neighbour, he wrote that how lucky he was to survive and how god must have bless him. This incident was on the news two and a half years ago on the 19th June 2004. I did not know about the incident till yesterday as at that time, I wasn't able to catch the news and was too tired to care about other things.. I think in Chinese we have a saying called “大难不死， 必有后福”which means that since you did not die from a calamity, in future you will have great fortune. I don't know if that guy will read my blog or not, but just want to comment that since he escaped from such a terrifying ordeal, he will have great fortune in the future.

It is not a pleasant experience to be nearly assaulted by a madman, I guessed of I were him, I will be scared till I pee on my pants. So unlucky of him to have a "siao lan" as neighbour. Anyway, the incident has passed and that guy is alright. I just find it strange that how fragile our lifes can be, just an accident or a stab in the heart can cause us our lifes. We are not able to resurrect after we are dead nor are we able to have invincible body that is pain proof, we are just mere beings. Yet with our intelligence, we can cause so much destruction to the world, of course we can also create wonderful things such as love.

If that guy was slashed at the vital parts, he might be gone now. I guessed he is the "unlucky" few to experience that type of thing. I was really shocked to find out about that when I read his blog. I want to confess that I do read the blogs of others as they give me thougths to ponder at times, and that guy's blog is one of them. I am not trying to know him or what just that his blog is rather interesting. Anyway, hope that I will not be in the same predicament like the unlucky guy.

Aiyah, in this world there are so many types of people that it is hard to know what type of people you will meet in life. The world is as as as strange as it is wonderful. Alright, I end here now.

Studies

After 2 months of break, to be exact is 62 days of holidays, I am back to studies again. This week have been tiring but not busy though, since Monday till yesterday, it has been lessons in the afternoon everyday. I don't know why they arrange for lessons to be conducted in the afternoons when we are the least effective at learning after lunch. In JC times, I remebered there are no lectures in the afternoon as the teachers know that most students will feel sleepy after a meal.

However, in tertiary institutions, time is precious, so often it is hard to arrange lessons mostly in the mornings. I believe in the local Universities, they also practise the system of having lectures in the afternoons. I have to get used to it, as two of lectures fall on two afternoons during weekdays. Talking about my new semester at SIM. It is nothing different from last semester, taking 4 subjects and having one lecture allocated to one day. I believe I am lucky to have such an arrangement as I am the type who cannot concentrate on too many subjects at one go. At SIM, the students from my course take 4 subjects at the most per semester, it is really manageable to me .

For this new semester, there is one module "Commercial Law" that I find rather dry and difficult, it is about contractual and company laws. No choice have to try to work hard for the subject since I am not very proficient in my command of english. Of the 4 subjects, I perfer Business Statistics the most as it is sort of the Statistics learnt at "A" levels. Taking the subject is just like revising my J2 Mathematics. As mentioned before, I prefer Mathematics to any other subjects, so it can be considered my forte. Another module "Prices and Market" is similar to Microeconomics I took in J1. However, I am more apt at Macroeconomics than Microeconomics, so I have to put in effort for the module despite some prior knowledge. The last module is known as Management Accounting , which is a relatively new subject as it focuses on the first section of Accounting," Management Accoutning".

As an accounting major, I have to do well in accounting subjects if not that defeats the purpose of studying in an accountancy course. I don't know if I am lucky or what, the modules I took somehow is a continuation of the knowledge I learnt in JC, if I haven't taken economics, I might not do well for the Macroeconomics module last semester. Well, I still have to carry on attending lectures, doing prior reading before lectures and most importantly attempt the tutorial questions. Seems like another 13 weeks of "busy"ness is awaiting me, I will try my best. Alright, I end here now.

Start of 2007!

This is the first post of 2007. Tomorrow, lessons will start and it is back to busy days again. During these 2 months of holiday, I thought of a lot of things and for once get my long awaited break. I guess it is the first time I am feeling so relaxed, perhaps there are no holiday tasks to complete and it is already my final stage in my academic path. It is so strange, in the past, we do not feell the pinch when we were asked to pay the school fees, now we pay so much for half a year of studies annually. No wonder foriegners always say that as Singaporeans , we are lucky to have a heavily subsidised education system.

I did not cherish the chance of being able to enter Junior College so I ended up doing badly in my studies. It has always been my wish to enter local University, but nope in the end, I failed. Well, in the past, I would be really sad and depressed, but now it no longer bothers me so as much as it used to be. I am a very organized person, that is what I believed myself to be. My academic life is to move from Primary school to express stream in Secondary School to Junior College to University. Now, it no longer go as planned. People might term me as being stubborn, do I really need to be in University to be considered normal? Still, it is a pity.

I really cherish this chance and plus I forked out money to pay for my school fees too. Fortunately, in NS, I managed to save up quite a bit, and it is now put to good use. I always believe it is good to save at least half of your pocket money or allowance, as you never know when you need it. Of course not to the extent of being stingy, you can make do with cheaper alternatives rather than go for class. I personally do not go for branded goods, afterall, it is just the name that is different.

A plate of Chicken rice in a coffeeshop can sometimes be more delicious than those served in restaurants. It is nothing wrong to go for class but you must be able to afford it. In Chinese, we have a saying, “没有这么大个的头， 就不要戴这么大个的帽子”。(if you do not have such a big head, don't wear such a big hat.) This means do not be too ambitious and act as if you have that ability. If you are not able to afford branded goods, make do with similar goods that offers the same function and with similar characteristics.

I don't know about others, my parents taught us to be thrifty since young, so till now, I do not waste money unnecessarily. Others can exclaim and ask why I managed to save quite a bit, but it is not one year or two years effort, it is accumulated from young. Now, have to use these savings to pay my school fees, I feel the pinch and must make these savings worthwhile. I admit I am more concerned with money, if not I would not choose to study Accountancy. I know accountants undergo a lot of stress, but I prefer figures to dealing with different kinds of people. I don't know if I will end up as an accountnat, it is my wish now.

I envy the eloquency of the sales people, how come they can persuade people to purchase their products so easily? If it was me, I would stumble and even provoke the potential customers. I admire their perserverance, and their tolerance. Some people can be nasty and make things difficult for those doing sales. Currently, I feel I will be the first one to quit if I am in a job which requires me to sell something. In the first place, they would not even hire me as I am not confident and speak monotonously.However, I am that type of person who will avoid sales people, as I know I am going to "lose" some unnecessary money soon. Anyway, they also sledom approach me, as I am definitely not the potential customer type. I feel that if you do not have the intention to buy something from sales people, don't waste one another time. He or She could have got a deal during that period of time.

Try not to vent your frustrations on them, they are just doing their jobs. I don't understand why some people can be so nasty and scold them , embarssing not only the sales people but themselves too. I always believe it is better to leave some leeway for the other party, who knows when you will be in the same predicament as the other party? Aiyah, I am writing such weird things again. Alright, I end here now.

New Year Resolution

It has come to the time of the year when we have to bid goodbye to the year 2006. This year has been eventful, with the release of 2005 A levels results, my ORD on 220806 and the start of a new term at school. It is not very happy but I still manage to pass by this year fruitfully. My only regret is not being able to enter NTU, at least I did not brood over this issue. Aiyah, perhaps all is fated, no point thinking about it.

Next year will be a challenging year, with most of the time studying and the two Semester breaks. Last year, I was still in the army, now I can be free to do whatever I like. Not much of a resolution, merely want to do well in my studies, hope that it will be a peaceful year. 2006 has been special as I went from being an NSF to civilian to a guy in a holiday mood. 2005 was happy, with lots of nice things happening, 2006 was alright.

Don't know what other people's resolutions are, nevertheless, it is 2007 soon, we cannot deny it. For those who have a happy year, good for you, for those who do not have , try to look forward to 2007 as it might be a better year. 21 years old liao, next year I will be 22 years old, 2 more years to work life, so fast. It is going to be 2007 soon, hope that next year will be mroe enriching and fun. Alright, I end here now.

21 Years Old Liao!

21 years old liao, so fast! Well unlike many who have friends to celebrate their birthday with them, I merely have a simple celebration with my family, went out to eat , buy a cake, that is all. Being a guy, I wouldn't mind so much as it is just another day to me, 21 years old is nothing special. I am more worried about going out to work, don't know how to survive in this fast paced society?

In 2 weeks time, holidays will come to an end and it is back to studies. Next semester is not going to be easy with Commercial LAW as a module. Partly because of my command of English, partly heard many say that law modules are hard, and plus to get into the law faculty requires straight As and an A1 in GP, so dare not think so much. Aiyah, just try to understand it, maybe the lecturer will make it interesting?

Don't know anyone have played Guild Wars and completed it before. I did not even reach 75% of the game. It is real tough, compared to FF series, in FF games, gil are almost free, in Guild Wars , you have to fight more monsters to earn more. So I feel that it does not have much appeal to RPG gamers like me, I prefer side quests and wonderful storylines, like Chrono Cross. So far, to date, I have played only more than 10 RPGs, Chrono Cross, Chrono Trigger, Radical Dreamers, FF3,FF7,FF8,FF9,FFx,FFx-2, Pokemon yellow version, Pokemon gold version, Guild Wars , Legend(Jin Yong Qun Xia Zhuan), Uncharted Waters 2, Mario RPG, and lastly, Planet Edge.

I don't know if planet edge is considered a RPG, it is a game about a group of 4 astronauts travelling to space to retrieve parts of a machine that can save the earth. I guess the weapons, the storylines and the missions made it a RPG. I do not play strategy games, as I am always losing, like DUNE 2and games from the C&C series. My 2 brothers perfer that to RPGs, so it is really hard to know what they are talking about at times. I know that there are people who played at least 100 RPGs to date, even more than that. I am not so rich and resourceful to have so much RPGs. These are really avid gamers, I am just pro-RPGs, that is all.

Didn't know that a topic like games can make me write so much things, maybe I am really long winded, so not many like my style. Anyway, 2 more weeks and the holidays will be over, must make use of the remaining time to tidy up a bit for the coming year.

2 Weeks Liao

Well, two weeks have past, a lot of events happened. Got my results on 6 Dec 2006, about 2 weeks ago, was satisfied with it. Initially thought that I will fail my Business Computing module, but luckily I passed. I got 2 HD( High Distinctions) and 2 CR(Credits), equivalent to 2 'A's and 2 'C's, how nice if it was the grade for my A levels, then I would not have been disappointed then. Anyway, I dare not be complacent or be too overjoyed as there are 6 more sems to go. Suddenly, I feel so relaxed, at least I know I deserved such good grades as I have worked hard for it, sounds like I am really conceited, or in Chinese known as 自负, but I really spend at least 3 hours each day studying at SIM during SEM 1. Next sem is full time studies , and subsequently is part time studies. Looking forward to another sem of new knowledege and work.

Yesterday, just went out with my family for a meal to celebrate my birthday. I am the type that do not have any friends to celebrate my birthday with me. I am used to it, at least I have my family celebrating it with me, unlike some who do not have parents to celebrate with them or their parents forgetting their birthday. Whenever I read about people talking about celebrating their birthday with friends, I am full of envy and it really sounds like fun. Not that nobody care about me, just that I do not have much friends. Logically, birthday might just be another day, you still eat, sleep, do the necessary stuff. Somehow, we as humans see it as a significant day as it is the day when we first enter this fascinating world and came to know ourselves as humans.

I am not trying to impress anyone with my strange thoughts, it is just that I like to think a lot. I am a bit like datoufen , a character created by Peifen recently in the programme " The world of datoufen" aired on every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8:30 pm. Howver dtf is so cute, I am just a plain looking guy who do not yearn for much except to meet my goals I set for myself in life. I do not need much people to understand me, just don't force me to do things that I do not like. Frankly speaking, I find that my standard of English is below average, even in this blog, there are grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. To me, the usage of bombastic words or imagery or similes are just to attract attention , let people know that you have a lot of "ink" . In Chinese, we called it 有墨水 。

I am more apt at using Mandarin than English, partly it is because I am exposed to Chinese media more often. I feel that it is best for a person can use his mother tongue to converse with friends of the same race and use English in their jobs. I do not yearn to be like some people who speaks fluent English very proficiently, but I do not want to feel lost when it comes to speaking English. I don't know how I fare in speaking English, but I know I am quite proficient when it comes to speaking Mandarin.

Recently went to stomp, which is a forum set up by The Straits Times. I am particularly interested in the "I confess " list of threads. I came across a thread saying that "Many Singaporeans are Lame, I am going to migrate" by a person who sign off as Emo. I guess from her other threads she started , she must be from a prestigious girls school in her Secondary school days and unfortunately faced some really unpleasant incidents with her peers. That is why she is rather oblivious to the fact that the Singaporeans she termed as lame, ( and the reason might be we use Singlish?) , are actually not lame at all, what is lame is her peers throwing penknifes at her because she failed her Chinese test. I guessed they must also have called her a Banana women, "white inside, yellow outside".

I empathise with her for going through this, but the point is that she have expressed her unhappiness to the wrong group of people. Singlish is no doubt not a communication tool for formal occasions and in your job, but we cannot deny it s existence and say that those who use Singlish are lame. Besides, a forum is an interactive and less formal platform for stompers to pen their views, as long as we know when to use Singlish and when to use English, it is alright. I do not object to using fluent English in less formal occasions, but please do not think that by using standard English, you are high above the others. Sometimes, it is that we prefer to use Singlish as it is closer to our hearts.

Some stompers turn stomp forums into battle zones where they argue and debate with each other. What I feel is no point feeling so frustrated, you don't even know who is on the other side, you can rebuke , but please do not have any personal attacks or pen down too sensitive views. I saw a comment of my stomper that he/she hate a group of people and Singapore have 80 % of them. I know who he is referring to, being in that group of people he "hate", I am frustrated, but after a while, I thought about it, I don't even know who he is, and besides he hate that group of people, who knows how many from that group of people hate him too.

I just feel that it is a bit dangerous to post such comments, you can write it on your diary or keep it to yourself, but try not to post such racist comments. All it takes is just one brainless comment to spark a potential racial riot in Singapore. If that happened, the hard work and the constsnt reminders for us to live in harmony will be futile. I know it is too idealistic to let people of different races not have differences, but we could try to be tolerant and be less myopic.

3 more weeks of holidays and it is study time again, blog about so much thoughts about forums , it is so weird. Alright, I end here now.

A Nice Long Holiday

This week, finally know that lessons will commence on the 15th of Jan 2007, still have one and a half months of rest. Counting the number of weeks for my holidays, it is around 10 weeks plus, since 2003, I haven't have such a long break. Just so strange, we should have studied for at least 9 months per year, but end up studying for half a year and resting half a year.

The past few weeks have been happy, went to many places and did a lot of things I want to do. Sometimes though, I feel so empty, don't know what am I doing, why I am doing those things? I can't say I have been through a lot but somehow I just feel so weird. At times, I wonder why am I in such a state, I should be like this and not likt that. Fortunately, I have never experience being ditched or jitted yet, or face "betrayal" by my lover.

I actually more than once thought about being on a relationship with a girl, but if it have to end up in vain, what is the use? Afterall, is it that important to experience such things at an early age. I know people will laugh when I say that 21 years old is early, but I am just not ready physically and emotionally to deal with such issues. I feel that you can like someone and the person will not like you, but you cannot force someone to like you.

I distinguish between affectuations and love clearly, so the sort of admiration and liking that we feel for the person is different from love for your lover. Too bad, nowadays, few people realize that love does not mean that you must say it out to your partner , your simple acts of concern and not possessing that person is love in my view. Affectuations are just feelings of admiration and liking for a person, they are periodic in nature, you can have many affectuations but only one or two love in your entire life.

Well, why am I talking about all these? I have never been in a relationship or loved someone before, perhaps my narrow view is wrong. Must be too free, that is why have such weird thoughts. Anyway, right now, I will never have a stead, I am very sure of that. Alright, I end here now.

Thoughts

Well, this holiday enable me to pen down a lot of thoughts I have with regards to my life. Suddenly,the JC times, the army days, the SIM school days all seem so far away. It has been 2 weeks since I last receive an SMS from a friend. Well, that is why I do not really need a handphone, so I decided to buy a prepaid card instead, it is cheaper that way.

Sometimes, I really wonder why I am so weird, but at times, I feel so proud of this "weirdness".
I cannot stay more than 6 hours away from home nowadays, if it has to be more than 6 hours, it has to be studies or something passive. I feel so tired after exceeding the 6 hours limit playing or shopping outside. I cannot stay up too late as I need a lot of sleep. Thus clubbing is really out for me, I am not the type who can dance, afford expensive beverages, and meet clubbers. I am not saying that it is a waste of money or time to go clubbing, just that I am not the type of person.

In the swimming pool this thursday, saw a hunk with a lot of pretty babes around him, I suddenly feel so jealous and inferior. Looking at my skinny as a bamboo body , and compared to his muscular body, I feel ashame of myself. Not that I wish to have his physique and with babes surrounding me, I just want to be more 'fat'. I really wonder whether any girl will like me in this state I am now. Seeing young couples being so compatible and with the drama serials frequently depicting scenes of intimacy between couples, at times really have an urge to go on stead with a girl.

In the past, never thought about all these things, it is always about studies and myself, now I actually think about all these things. I am a bit silly to tell myself that after the age of 25, then I can have a girlfriend. My brothers really did that, and now they do not have steads. Not that my brothers are weird like me, or skinny as I am, in fact, they are normal looking and smart, I guess they will have one when the time comes.

I feel like a kid sometimes, so naive and silly. At times, I find myself immature, I can be bother by such thoughts easily. Not that I have never like someone, but she already has a boyfriend. Will there be a day when I will like someone and that person also likes me? So silly to think about this, I believe when it its time, fate will bring us together. Right now, it is just occasionally thinking about this. Alright, I end here now.

Blogging

Happy times are short, 1 week of fun and laughter gone like that. Luckily still have 7 weeks of holiday. Today, just change the template of my blog to a bright green background, with added features such as pics, labels and photos. In the past, my blog is just words, and more words. I like the new outlook very much, as I design it myself.

Recently, there have been many issues with regards to blogging in the local scene. The most recent case was about a daughter of an MP, from a renowned school criticising a fellow blogger of his anxiety for the older workers in Singapore. It is indeed her thoughts, but she have to be careful of how she phrase it. To me, it seem like she looked down on the older workers, terming them as old and redundant.Luckily, she is still a minor in the eyes of the public, thus her immature thoughts can be taken as being elitist.

If she was older, she would have been asked by those who feel offended to account for her actions. Thus it has become no longer a simple aim of sharing with others your thoughts, as your blog can be viewed by people who might feel offended by your thoughts. I think it is better to just pen down interesting activities that you do with your friends and families. It is really dangerous to write about your dislike for a particular group of people or organisation, as these are really sensitive issues.

Fortunately, not many leave down comments after reading my blog, (I guess it is boring) so I do not have problems with my blog till now. However, to be safe, I will avoid writing about sensitive issues.

Since September, I have been listening to this programme(大头芬的世界） on the radio at every Monday, Wednesday and friday nights at 2030 hrs. As the programme is titled, it is about a 14 year old girl studying in a neighbourhood Secondary school. She has two best friends, da nai bing and tian cai qing. adna special friend, ah toot. At first, thought what is so nice about a teenage girl's diary, but after having the blog, the programme receive a lot of positve feedback. I am used to writing my comments on her blog.

I guess that is the advantage of a blog, whereby you can get to have comments from people you don't know. The host of the programme is one of the DJ, Peifen. Partly because she is a DJ, and the blog is a record of the show, that is why the blog is so well received. However, the content of the blog is the crucial factor, if it was just some guy 's daily routine like I got 80 marks for Maths exam, I should have get better marks, it is a bit boring.

The blog is different from digital diary, in that it is online. Thus a successful blog must not be seen as convening negative thoughts. Many people failed to realise this thus there are instances of NSmen posting photos of armoured vehicles on their blog. In Singapore, it is alrite, but if the blog was accessed by a person who is interested in the armoured vehicles in the SAF, then it is no longer just a person problem, it concerns the security of our country.

What I feel is if you want to keep your thoughts among your friends, try not to use a blog, use email, it is safer, because the online feature of a blog does not guarantee the safety of it. In my blog, it is always about some of my thoughts about myself and certain groups of people. I did not name them ot make any personal attacks on them.

Lastly, hopefully, less bloggers will get into trouble with their blogs now with the option to have a private blog. Alright, I end here now.

Carefree days

For the next 1 month 3 weels or so, I will be staying at home most of the time, doing the things I wanted to do for so long. People might feel that huh! staying at home, so no life, go out and work part time better. Indeed sometimes, staying at home too much will make people 'rot' and working part time can gain some experience, meet new people. However, I am the type who is so tired of politics and unreasonable co-oworkers. In the army, already meet such people and have been so disturbed , why torture myself for that extra money when I am not the type who spend more than $20 per week.

Actually, being alone sometimes is good, you need not think of ways to deal with people u dun like, and my typical routine is wake up at 8:30 am, have breakfast, then read form 9.am to 11a.m. Then sleep, have lunch and serve the net and read till dinner time. Then bath, watch television programmes till 11p.m and sleep again. Half of my time is spend sleeping, which explains why I am so weak and easily tired. So my day end so fast, 12 hours sleeping, 4 hours serving the net, 4 hours reading , 4 hours watching television programmes, 4 hours doing the necessary stuff. If people happen to know about this, they will ask sleep so much for what. Well, I just feel that sleep can make me more relaxed not having nonsensical thoughts.

Occasionally, I also listen to the radio, hearing the deejays talking to each other and introducing some of the singers is a form of assurance to me that I am not lonely. I am a guy who has problem expressing myself verbally, so people who know me well will become bored soon when we run out of topics. In the past, I used to be bothered by it, now after quarreling with so many people, I am really tired sometimes. If conversation always end up in quarrels then might as well dun talk.

I am a weird guy, skinny, ugly, low self esteem and reserved. Not that I have not try to change, but the attempts all failed. Well as long as I do not harm anyone emotionally or physically, it is alright, I have been telling myself this. For the past 4 days, I have been happy, just that have been thinking a lot about myself all this while. Seeing the blog of other people so nice, and so interactive, I started to realise no one will be interested in such a plain looking blog with so much words. Initially, thought that I can have people replying to my blog, but for one and a half years, no one ever comment on it.

Aiyah, not that I want anyone to comment about it now, just want to keep a record of my happenings these 5 years. Alright, I end here now.

Holiday Liao!!!

Yipee! The long awaited holiday has arrived, there are so many things to do, go on bus rides, swim, serve the net, read, sleep, ponder, play PS 2, watch television programmes, listen to the radio, go for jogs, and most importantly rest my mind. These are all very simple things, and all done in the indoors, I am not a very active guy, so I won't go out with friends, not that I have any to go out with either. Yesterday was my last paper, Macroecons, in JC I used to dread the Economics paper, it is essay so you can imagine how many pages we have to write before we can get our ideas through.

Last year, I remebered having my A levels re-exam during this period of time, so fast, one year past by liao. A lot of thoughts have been bothering me all these while, but now I am okay. Perhaps all things in life are not solely controlled by humans, there is some entity known as luck in life. In mathematics, we can use probability to predict how likely an event can happen , but in life, things are unpredictable at times, a person eating fishball noodles can choke to death by the stucked fishball, a guy who has always been careful actually could die due to a mishap. In relationship, there is also another element known as fate, if we ask ourselves how do we meet this person, we will be puzzled.

In over 6 billion people, you can actually have your 'friends' as your friends, it is even more amazing when you have love relationship with your partner in life. The probabilty is 1 out of 6,000,000,000, about 0.0000000016 percent, a really insignifucant percent. Of course, in mathematics, it is as godd as that the event will not happen, but in life, such possibiltities do happen. Just find that no matter how clever human beings can be, we are not able to manipulate every entity in life. Sometimes it is this inability that makes life exciting, of course provided that unfortunate events do not happen. If we are able to control everything and live the perfect life we all wish, then life would be meaningless. We will be just like robots programmed to do things and not have any expectations.

Actually I have thought that the time we have eternal peace is the time we die, thus many who wish to seek eternal peace choose death as an option. The people who commit suicide are too overwhelmed by their problems that they fail to realsie there are others who are worse off than them still willing to survive. They think that by dying, their problems will be gone forever, but no, their problems turn into grief and sorrow for their loved ones. Sadly, not many people can be able to realise all these things when the problems become too hard for one to manage.

Sometimes they just need someone to let them know that all is not lost yet and they will not give up their life. A simple thing like this yet we ask ourselves how many of us are brave enough to do that. I have never meet a problem so bad that I will give up my life thus I can say all that I want, but if I meet such problems, I don't know if I am able to be as clear minded as I am right now. If there is someone by my side then to persuade me against giving up my life, I will be so lucky.

These entry sounded so serious, just some thoughts that came into my mind. Alright, I end here now.

Long Awaited Holiday

Yup, After the exams, there will be a 8 weeks break or even 9 weeks break from school. Just check the portal, notice that I got a HD for the biz computing assignment. suddenly, I have this illusion that it is really easy to do well in SIM, but nope, I am wrong, if that is the case, how come my marketing only got a PA(pass), so I guess it must have been hardwork. The exams are just round that corner, 8 days more to the accounting paper. Seriously speaking, I am rather unprepared despite retaking the A levels last year. I do not expect myself to get a HD, if I can get a D( Distinction) I am happy liao.

This Friday, on the bus ride to school, saw a group of boys from this renowned boys school boarding the bus. I do not mean to eavesdropped on their conversation, but there was one student who talks very loudly, even bragging about how low his grades are. It is something he should be ashamed of, not to be proud, yet he talks as if he has been a hero by getting such low grades. The group was badmouthing and scolding a rather obese student from the school. In the past, thought that what others say of the scool having bullies was a whole load of crap, now, I know why the school have a rather bad reputation because of these black sheeps. In JC, I have this male classmate from that school, when he told me he was bullied in his lower Seconday years, I did not believe him. How can such a good school have bullies? Only neighbourhood school like my Secondary shcool have bullies. I was wrong, even if there are bullies from neighbourhood schools, they are less devious and more easily changed. The bulies from some schools are intelligent, some even good at studies, rich and good looking. These type of bullies are harder to tacke, read from the papers once that some girls form these SAP school threw the Textbooks of a fellow classmate. Reason being the girl was seen talking to a guy the da jie da (Big sister) of the group have a crush on. The group even scolded the girl, hurl verbal abuses at her.

Luckily, I am not from that boys school, if not given my effeminate mannerism, plus my skinny physique, I will bw bullied by the upper Sec guys. I could not believe that the classmate of mine was bullied before, he is fit, good looking, intelligent, kind and masculine, how could he be bullied? Now there is evidence of such bullying from that school, my friend must have been rather small sized, weak and reserved in the past.However, now he is such a nice guy, he did not get affected by the bullying. Though I once lament that I did not go into that school, I feel so lucky now. At least I did not experience bullies before, I must be really lucky. Perhaps I am weird , that is why they feel that I won;t be an easy target. Well, hope that the plump student could get fit and study well, and that is the best way of getting back at the bullies.

After the exams, it is finally holiday, real holiday. After 2 -3 years without a long holiday, I am finally going to have one. I can do a lot of things I like at that time, play, sleep, read, swim, jog, do the things I like. Got to end here now cos it is time to study. Alright, I end here now.

Thoughts

Today, I am exposed to a lot of information and views. Of these, the most significant was that of a NSF 2 LT posting a pic of 2-3 men dressed in Army uniform having bad bearing. There were a lot of uproar when he posted that, some even went to the extent of perosonal attack, some applauded him for his "bravery". Actually, I think for those who disagreed with him is is not totally Beng or unwise. Being a lowly NSF before, I know how garung and impractical some NSF officers can be. Still, I think once we don the army uniform, it is important to ensure we are dressed properly as you wouldn't dressed slopily if you are in your civilian clothes. Even if you hate army so much, you still need to respect yourself , now because of that, the three men are being 'caught' and being discussed knowingly and unknowingly.

I can understand why the opposers are so outraged, they undergo so much suffering and unfairness, yet they see such a comment by someone who treats his NS life with pride. They wll naturally be angry that they are not as lucky so they might feel that the 2LT is being cocky and unrealistic. Being in the service vocation for 2 years plus, I am lucky so I cannot really undestand the agony of the combatants in the operations units. To them, they suffered for 2 years for nothing, lowly paid and being treated like shit by the minority black sheeps in the organisation. There are no right or wrong in the issue, what I think is that in the first place, the officer should not post the picture as it contributes to some kind of voyeurism. He can mention about this issue, and not linked the incident to particular group of people or organisation. I agreed that we should respect the uniform as it also mean respecting oursleves. For those who say that it is alright to be sloppily dressed , I feel that they should ask would they dare to dress like this before even shooting the officer.

Indeed, the officer is only myopic, there is no need to use vulgarities and personal attacks. They could express it more subtlely. Some of the comments are really too bias, saying things like he should know where he stands and scolding him as being brainless. He must have earned his rank, and reflecting in this issue does not render him as brainless, he is myopia but not brainless, the thing he should not have done is to post the pic. It makes him a bit arrogant and naive, not brainless though. Both parties are wrong to some extent. Of course I can be a neutral party as neither am I an officer nor a combatant so I can be more focused, not too biased.

I focus more on respect on oneself and to be more fair rather than being bias and unrealistic. Next thing is about the gays issue, well, as long as they do not harm us, it is okay. It is weird and frustrating at times when you see one but they are humans too, imagine yourslef in their shoes, how would you feel if you are obstracized? It is their choice though they are abnormal, they are harmless. It is those that offer to have sex with you that makes you scared of them. One thing to clarfiy though is not most effeminate guys are gay, I am an effeminate guy but I do not have sexual urges with guys. There are many tyoes of people in this wold, I am one weird kind of person. There are those who think that downgarding is their ultuimate goal in NS life, they got it wrong. Being a clerk does not guarantee a bed of roses, they are unreasonable superiors at times and the workload can be tormenting at times. At the same time, you have to work with weirdos at times, it is physically relaxing but mentally stressed.

In the combatant life, it is usually as a group, but being a training clerk makes you be the few who stayed back for nothing at times. Is our NS really that negative and redundant? Of course, I am the majority of the lot who looks forward to ORD and now I ORD liao, with pleasant and bad memories but that is a part of me, like it or not, 2 years of your life are gone and it is just 2 years and then you are a civillain. I can understand there are really cocky NSF officers who treat not only combatants but also clerks and storeman with disrespect, that is why the opposers are so angry. Perhaps he is not one of them, you cannot judge a person by just one blog he posted, do they know him well?

I guess much as we hate to admit it, NS life is a period of time wasted to suffer, Singaopre will never go into war, we will always be this peaceful, and those who make it to being a clerk are much luckier. if everyone thinks this way, what will happen to our country in times of war. Fortunatley or unfortunatelt, there are people who really cherish the 2 years and see the real meaning behind their NS life. I guess if the one who post the blog was a RSM in a unit, there wouldn't be such a great amount of uproar. He is too young to make any comments on the uniform issues, as in civillain life, he has not met many people, at the age of 19, at most 21, what can he experience unless he is really unfortunate.

Another issues is about Undergrads doing essays for people in return for money, though I am not in the local U (much as I wanted to), I feel that they should not feel too poud about it. For those who pay them to do it for them, good luck to them , see whether they can find people to do it for them in the exams. I know I am prejudiced against those who seek easy ways to gain success in academic areas, but I seriously feel that since you are given a chance to study, somemore a chance to be in such a high level of institution, you should cherish the chance. There are many people who yearn to get in but cannot get in.

Be it my family upbringing or own discretion, I will never do this unless I am a really changed person of under dire straits, we should always remeber that in any learning, there is no short cut, only hands on and hardwork can guarantee you success. In fact, the people involved has committed plagiarism that is equivalent to the theft of intellectual property, like piracy, it is not something to be proud of nor to be widely publicised. I believe that there is no task that is so difficult that you have to ask someone to do on your behalf. Money is not everything, this time round, you pay people to do things for you, next thing are you paying someone to do a proposal for you for instance and claim that it is yours. I know there are people out there who do this, and it is really common. Once we reflect on this, we will feel that we have indeed breached the rules and live in guilt. Other people might think that I am exaggerating but for me, it is a totally no for people to do things for me for money, they can help me but not do it for me. I dare not claim that it is mine and will not as my conscience tell me that I have done soemthing wrong.

I might never experience the agony when you are forced to write an essay, and you are at wits end. There are always professors and friends that can help you. It is better getting a low grade than to get a high grade for an essay that is not written by you. My 2 brothers have never helped or asked people to do their work for them in their U life. Partly is because they are really intelligent, unlike me, they are also taught not to cheat. Whatever happened to the morals and integrity humans have? I know I am really prejudiced and myopic just like the 2LT earlier with respects to this issue but it is so sad that there are people who seek the easy way out to gain success. Alright, I end here now.

Exams Coming

Hai! Exams are coming again, beside 2004, I have exams every year since P1, being a lao jiao in exams(13 years), exams are not alien to me. However, now exams seem so sian and a waste of time to me. I ask myself why there is a need for exams, they only make me feel demoralized. In the past, there was once when I liked exams as I did well in exams. Now, after falling greatly in the A levels, I can't say the same.

The feeling is so strange, last year I am preparing for the A levels, this year, I am preparing for the finals. I just feel so strange, it is like a long time but in fact it is just a year. Last year, I did not blog for half a year so I did not write down my feelings back then. I don't know what will happen next year, I just know that this time round, it is not about entering U but rather just passing the exams. So the pressure is lesser, but still I must work hard after paying so much for the course.

After checking the portal, I know that I got 2 HDs for the 2 tests, accounting and economics. I am glad that I did well, but the finals still counts, so must not fail in the finals. If I was in local U and I got such good test grades, then I would be really happy. Well. at least my confidence is back, I feel more motivated and not demoralized. Thank god for letting me be safe and sound all this while. My entries nowadays will be more about my studies and not anything else. In the past, it was about a week happenings, mostly about camp stuff. I am not a people person so I do not expect myself to blog about so and so, or outings( as I do not have many friends to go with).

To me, I find that in my life, the most difficult is to face people , especially people I don't like. In the army, I remember being really very miserable facing an unreasonable and uncultured warrant officer. Of course, now he is just a uncultured and pitiful old man who scolds vulgarities and will have difficulty have people working for him in future after he got retrenched by the army. Why should I be as uncultured as him and scold him, he will gat his just deserts someday. Now, I seldom talk to people as I find that the more I revealed about myself the more people might use it against me. I am not saying that all humans are bad, but I find it unnecessary.

Thus, to me studying is stressful but books will not harm you, will not let you harm them, to put it insanely, I rather have relationship with books than people. I know that there are really nice people out there, like the gal I like, but after meeting so many nasty people, I become self-centred. Frankly speaking, I am really pragmatic, I only need friends when I am working and not in my private life. I can do a lot of things alone, watch TV programmes, listening to music, go for bus rides, play computer games, sleeping, reflecting, reading, going to the library, have good food, blog, swimming. There are so many things to do.

Often, people find that life is boring, actually, there are so many things to do, so many nice entities to sense, music, graphics, food, family warmth, to me, each day is always different as you have different thoughts. I know that it is fun to go out with people, play sports and look at babes. To me, I feel that if each week , I go out, I will spend a lot and more importantly, I will
be really tired. I need private time to rest and reflect. That is why people find me quiet and weird. I did not put on an act, I just feel that being alone is not a bad thing, being lonely is. They will find me boring as my life is based on time rather than just live my life with my own discretion. I find that this type of life is more safe, and so far, I did not even beat someone before or being beaten by someone. I can reflect on my flaws and improve on my strengths.

Whenever I read the blogs of others, they are more about their friends, bf,gf, and their family. It is fun to read, I like to see the happy side of people though I cannot interact well with people and simply hate some nasty people to the core. I like to uncover the truth before human behaviour, research on the brain thinking. As if people will read my blog, I blog to let myself know that I have this type of thoughts at this point of time. I like to refer to that time and compared it to the present and see if I have changed a lot or a little. It is boring and unnecessary, but I prefer it this way. Alright, I end here now.

2 Weeks Gone

It has been 2 weeks since I last blog, these 2 weeks has been busy , with the Economics test and accounting test. It is so strange, the system in SIM place huge emphasis on test, unlike in the local Universities. The Economics test contributs to 30% of my overall assessment, 30% and the weightage is just so great, 30 MCQs for 30 marks actually playing such an important role. Luckily, after the lecturer went through the answers with us, I scored in the mid 20s, not bad , despite having forgotten most of the things I learn in JC. However, for the accounts test, it is a different story, I only managed a bare pass. the ironical thing is that I am going to take most of my modules in accounting. So sad, but wad to do, have to work harder for the exams.

The exasperating thing is that I picked the right 'questions' , yet I could not remember the details. Worse still, the questions all came from the TB, so fed up with myself. I guess I am not really suited to take subjects with a lot of applications and theory, I hate to write so much that I do not even know what I am writing. I prefer subjects like Mathematics and Chemistry. I like the book-keeping part of accounts, it is so interesting though others find it boring, learning how to balance the balance sheet, seeing that all the ratios are related and the items related.

I am a number person, not a mechanical nor business guy, I prefer numbers to imaginative aspects of Mathematics to human science. Numbers can be seen unlike 3D trigo, vectors, mechanics, and human behaviour that are unidentificable. I am a rigid guy, I cannot imagine the 3D diagrams, nor can I relate to people mindset. So I choose Accounting as I only work with numbers, ratios and graphs, it is indeed mostly made up of this. How to write a balance sheet, income statement and cash flow statement. You need not think so much, and most importantly, the numbers provide a check, I am a really conscientious guy, I do not tolerate careless mistakes. I enjoy the accounting lectures but do not like the questions asked, they are so far fetched. The lecturer is really good, but the questions are so difficult.

Still, I must do well for accounting , at least get a credit for it as it is just the introductory part, in future it will get more difficult. Though I did not do so well for the accounts test which accounts for 20% of my total assessment for the module, I will continue to like accounts and must study for my accounts exams. Except for the 2 tests, this coming Tuesday, I am going to have a markeing test which accounts for 20% of my total assessment. I like marketing but too bad I am not very vocal, and the questions are just too difficult. Hopefully, I can pass all my modules and not repeat any of them.

The workload in SIM is really light but it is the exams and tests that made me so stressful. Plus, I tell myself that I have to succeed this time round after suffering a major setback. I enjoyed school, even doing tutorials but I am really sick of failures. The 2 weeks past by really quick, this week with a heavy econs lecture, the biz computing assignment to rush and the accounts tutorial to do, I am no longer so free in the weekends. That is why I only find time to blog till now.

The busy scedule also take away time for self reflection, so in this entry there are no philosophical and 'profound' thoughts. After the tests, it is the rushing of assignments then it is 2 weeks of revision and the exams. Busy, busy, busy......

Alright, I end here now.

Busy schedule

Next week, I will be having 2 tests, Economics, Accounting test. After the setback last November, I dunno if I can still be able to handle tests and exams. I feel so guilty for not working as hard as I promised myself at the start of the semester, I just feel so strange. There wsa once when I am close to breakdown but now it is alright, just that I feel so insecure. No use telling myself or others about this, I am really tired, so much has happened in these 2 years that I am forced to be grow up.

In the past, I used to be scared of crowded places, but now it no longer bothers me. In the past, I used to be studies-focused now it is no longer the case. I tell myself not to brood over the past so much but sadly, too many things happened. The affectuations for a classmate, the army life, the re-exam, the failure to enter local U, the counselling, the disappointment for not being a student all made me so vexed. It all seem interconnected, the affectuation followed by the counselling followed by my NS life floowed by the rejection by the three local U followed by the re-exam followed by the disappointment now.

People might say that I am thinking too much, but I did not expect myself to go through all these for the past 3 years. Whenever I read the blogs of the others, they are so joyful and enjoyable to read. Why must my blog be so serious? Well, I can only say that I am not one who is optimistic and not be so goal oriented. My life have to be set according to my wishes and the purpose of my life is to be filial to my parents, be a professional, and have offsprings and then retire when I am old.

I actually thought about the purpose of life more than a dozen times before, are we here to seek gratifcation from our material world, and be bogged down by the so called rat race to maintan our status quo? Are we here to be just mere existence in this world. not as human beings? By thinking like this, life become so meaningless, all those wishes and regrets seem so insignificant, because I feel that I am not fit to be in this world, so maybe I should not have existed in the first place and cause pain to so many people I met.

However, human beings are afraid of death, imagine that one day you do not have feelings, thoughts and alone in a place so cold, so eerie, it is just so scary. You are not "yourself", if human beings have a chance to experience death and get resurrect then perhaps death would be just a journey in life, just like adulthood. We are afraid of death because we get love, warmth, meaning, and even happiness from living as a homosapien and not some existence. I would not want to die because there are so many good things in life, love, meaning, knowledge, wisdom, nature, nice people and happiness that I yearn for, plus there are a lot of things I have not experienced, love, being a parent, having a nice trip, knowing the cultures of others and the help to others to make this society more humane.

Indeed we are bogged down by the rat race, and it has become more of a challenge to be a teenager or even child than in the past. The more knowledgable we are, the more problems we have, it is the conflict between knowledge and ignorance that made the world so chaotic. However, if we can apply knowledge then knowledge won't be just knowledege but wisdom.Indeed, we often compared oursleves to others, we are so concerned with the challenges of being human that we forget that we are not the worst, of course we are not the best.
If we can have the wisdom to see a bigger picture and be more selfless, and seek to turn knowledge into wisdom, our lives wouldn't be so empty. Fortunately there are indeed people who are like this, but I am not one of them.

I understand that money and looks are superficial, the most important is the inner beauty of a person but I am being led to the beauty myth and that we are supposed to be earning lots of money to be 'happy'. One should be really strong willed and wise to be able to discern between meaning and intense satisfaction. If we do not have a life, we are just tools in the society to the others then I can only say that this might be just 'life' to us. Alright, I end here now.