ORD ! Operational Ready Date is what half of the population is talking about when they are enlisted in the National Service. I know it is not right to think of ORDing all the time but in the army, every NSFs will talk about this three letter acronym. It is almost all NSFs' goal in their NS life to ORD. Now I finally ORD and I am glad I fulfil my 2 years 4 months of obligations to the country though I am a service personnel. I like to thank my parents for their support, my friends for their help, god for letting me have a learning experience rather than wasting that period of time and of course myself for bearing through the 2 years 4 months.
I know I have in the course of NS provoked certain people becasue of my tactless antics but this is life, no one is perfect and you cannot expect everyone to have a good impression of you. I do not wish to talk about NS anymore now that I am out of the obligations. From now on, I am a NS men and no longer a NSF. Actually, thinking through, these period have past by quite fast, it is 2 yaers indeed but 2 years out of the 80 years of existence on average is just abt 2 %- 3 % the most. Of course, a lot of untruth can be generated using percentages, you can also manipulate the numbers by setting a narrower base. I can say that compared to the 12 years of pre-adult education, 2 years is a significant percentage, about 16.66666667%. There will be different. That is why I think as human beings, we must not misuse numbers and be numerically illeterate.
In life, there are so many changes each day, so many uncertainties, so many events happening. If we list down each type of canges it will be endless and to categorise them is a neverending task as our perceptions changed with the environment. I only believe in knowledge being the fixed entity in the world, people can change, information can change, environment can change, climate can change, thoughts can change but only knowledge and wisdom will not change. We often ask oursleves why we exist in the first place but forget that we are fortunate to be a living person.
In life, we are forever seeking to live better, to make our existence to living. Rather than thinking of the impossible answer of why we exist, we could think about what can we do to make our environment , our fellow homosapiens more humane, our closed ones happy and our thinking more efficient.This is the real meaning of life and not mere existence. This is my life so I will live it to the fullest. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
The past 2 weeks
Been really relaxed nowadays, the first week was fast but this week was alright, got time to go to the library and even went for a swim on Thursday.I enjoyed being a student, the absence of politics and the freedom I have as a student. I know I am more capable as a clerk than a student but that is in the past, now I am going to enjoy myself as a student. Everyday, I get to eat delicious food, see a lot of good looking couples and listen to wacky or perhaps not, just lively lecturers giving their best in conducting the lessons. If there is no need to have exams then I would be more than happy.
In the past, I used to like exams as I do pretty well, if not perhaps acceptable in them. However, after so many setbacks , I began to question the purpose of exams, why are there exams in the first place? No matter how I might destest exams, in order to get past each semester, there is a need to clear the exams. Actually, passing will not be much of a problem but doing well is another totally different thing. I dare not hope for anything, just that I will be okay these 3-4 years.
There are a lot of thoughts in my mind recently that I am reluctant to pen them down as it requires a lot of time and the more I write, the more vexed I get. I know that there was once I feel so stressed that I ruined a supposedly enjoyable day for the whole family. I regretted it but what can I do? A lot of things are beyond my control, my shy and sensitive nature made people mistaken me as a cocky and selfish guy. In the past, I really believe that I am very bad, but after being tekan and ordered, I find that at least I am better than those people, I pity them that they do not even know they are atrocious and notorious and thinks that they are great.
I try to put away the idealistic thoughts but somehow I feel so insecured by not having these 'gauges'. So I often get so lost by not able to attain the high expectations I have of myself. Now, I am happier, but feel guilty that the past week, I have not done all that I planned. Be it the area games, friendship, studies, army, family, I always want to do to the extent of being flawless and complete that I feel overwhelmed by the prefection sometimes. Anyway, I just want to get past the army as soon as possible which is coming next Tuesday.
On one hand, I thought I have changed for the better but it seems that I have not changed much. Sudddenly, I am just like the shy and reserved guy I used to be in NYJC. In the army, I can talk to fellow campmates for hours and be an active listener. Now, I do not want to invest my time on making friends though it will be fun to know the people there. Actually, I would like some close friends just like I did in the army but I tell myself that it is better to be alone at least you won't get hurt. In the army, you have to rely on friends a lot and with the absencce of famiy members to support you, friends become more important.This is the reason I can give to myself for being the same.
Afterall, I might be just making use of the kind and friendly campmates I have, when I am out of army, I turn my back against them. I cannot be sure that it is really this case, if it is, well, then I haven't changed for the better which I thought I had. At least I once experience the joy of having some really close friendship. I expect that beside the person I love, i will not have close frienships with anyone, be it guy or girl. Perhaps it is that I need to be noticed before I can be someone's friend. In the army, some people are making use of me, outside, I do not have such high value of usage, that is why I do not even have such "friends". Well, anyway, it would be unfair to the other party if he/she have to make the first move and yet I refused to commit to the friendship.
It is fine with me as I am there to study not to be a kaypoh, poking into other people's business. I am just puzzled as to why I suddenlt revert to the previous self . I might have changed for the better or not , but does it matter? There are at least 20 thoughts in my mind now, but I will not pen them down here. Alright, I end here now.
In the past, I used to like exams as I do pretty well, if not perhaps acceptable in them. However, after so many setbacks , I began to question the purpose of exams, why are there exams in the first place? No matter how I might destest exams, in order to get past each semester, there is a need to clear the exams. Actually, passing will not be much of a problem but doing well is another totally different thing. I dare not hope for anything, just that I will be okay these 3-4 years.
There are a lot of thoughts in my mind recently that I am reluctant to pen them down as it requires a lot of time and the more I write, the more vexed I get. I know that there was once I feel so stressed that I ruined a supposedly enjoyable day for the whole family. I regretted it but what can I do? A lot of things are beyond my control, my shy and sensitive nature made people mistaken me as a cocky and selfish guy. In the past, I really believe that I am very bad, but after being tekan and ordered, I find that at least I am better than those people, I pity them that they do not even know they are atrocious and notorious and thinks that they are great.
I try to put away the idealistic thoughts but somehow I feel so insecured by not having these 'gauges'. So I often get so lost by not able to attain the high expectations I have of myself. Now, I am happier, but feel guilty that the past week, I have not done all that I planned. Be it the area games, friendship, studies, army, family, I always want to do to the extent of being flawless and complete that I feel overwhelmed by the prefection sometimes. Anyway, I just want to get past the army as soon as possible which is coming next Tuesday.
On one hand, I thought I have changed for the better but it seems that I have not changed much. Sudddenly, I am just like the shy and reserved guy I used to be in NYJC. In the army, I can talk to fellow campmates for hours and be an active listener. Now, I do not want to invest my time on making friends though it will be fun to know the people there. Actually, I would like some close friends just like I did in the army but I tell myself that it is better to be alone at least you won't get hurt. In the army, you have to rely on friends a lot and with the absencce of famiy members to support you, friends become more important.This is the reason I can give to myself for being the same.
Afterall, I might be just making use of the kind and friendly campmates I have, when I am out of army, I turn my back against them. I cannot be sure that it is really this case, if it is, well, then I haven't changed for the better which I thought I had. At least I once experience the joy of having some really close friendship. I expect that beside the person I love, i will not have close frienships with anyone, be it guy or girl. Perhaps it is that I need to be noticed before I can be someone's friend. In the army, some people are making use of me, outside, I do not have such high value of usage, that is why I do not even have such "friends". Well, anyway, it would be unfair to the other party if he/she have to make the first move and yet I refused to commit to the friendship.
It is fine with me as I am there to study not to be a kaypoh, poking into other people's business. I am just puzzled as to why I suddenlt revert to the previous self . I might have changed for the better or not , but does it matter? There are at least 20 thoughts in my mind now, but I will not pen them down here. Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Some updates
On monday, I officially got enrolled as a student of SIM and on the first day, lectures are already starting on that day. It brings back the memories of the good old JC days. Though I am not able to enter into local University, I am contented to be able to study a course that have preference over engineering courses. It is not going to be easy and I do not have much confidence in myself, just want to attend lectures, do the tutorials, just like what I have been doing in JC. I know that passsing is not a problem but I am not really able to interpret the questions correctly so I have the knowledge but do not answer the question.
You might say why not do a good job in undestanding the question but I do not have much confidence in myself to be able to do that. I hope I can be studious just like I used to be though it has been almost 3 years I am a student. Actually, I expect myself to be even more hardworking, as in the past, I could not do well even in a simple combi, not to mention I have to tackle a harder course and the subjects are so heavy. Thus I really put my mind to study and nothing else. However, sadly, I know in the end, it will be the same, I might just pass, and continue to hurt the people I like and I will be more vexed. Why am I like that?
Ideally, I must do well, study harder, be more analytical, and not be emotionally involved with anyone. Sadly, the more ideal I want my life to be , the more worse it gets. Anyway, no matter what, I will be the same old me as I have been for the 12 years of studies I undergo, the studious and nerdy guy I used to be. I will attend the lectures, do the tutorials as the lectures cost $100 per session , plus the additional $200 per month of expenses, adding up, the course costs $35000. On average,it is $5000 for half a year, $800 over dollars a month. It is double the pay when I was a clerk in the army. So be it for myself or for my father who put in so much money, I must work hard.
Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to do well because of my intellect, I do not wish for anyting else, just that I can graduate and not let my father and myself down. I know I am getting paranoid, over anxious again, but I cannot help it. It is rather pressurizing even now as it involves a lot of money plus the previous failures I encountered, I will endure and strive on. I do not want to hope for anything, just that I will do my part by being a committed student be it whether I will do well or not.
The first week is really packed, with the leturers covering so much content in a week that I do not have time to slack. It is good at least I do not have much time to be engrossed in my absurd and irrational thoughts. Met some new friends , they are amiable and do not mind being friends with me. It is just that I sometimes do not agree to their views and I could not click with them as they lead a different kind of private life from me. Still, I thank them for being so nice to me , I am sorry if I am too weird but that is me. I will not compromise my studies anymore for useless things now. I am looking forward to a busy but enjoyable life for the next 3.5 years. Alright, I end here now.
You might say why not do a good job in undestanding the question but I do not have much confidence in myself to be able to do that. I hope I can be studious just like I used to be though it has been almost 3 years I am a student. Actually, I expect myself to be even more hardworking, as in the past, I could not do well even in a simple combi, not to mention I have to tackle a harder course and the subjects are so heavy. Thus I really put my mind to study and nothing else. However, sadly, I know in the end, it will be the same, I might just pass, and continue to hurt the people I like and I will be more vexed. Why am I like that?
Ideally, I must do well, study harder, be more analytical, and not be emotionally involved with anyone. Sadly, the more ideal I want my life to be , the more worse it gets. Anyway, no matter what, I will be the same old me as I have been for the 12 years of studies I undergo, the studious and nerdy guy I used to be. I will attend the lectures, do the tutorials as the lectures cost $100 per session , plus the additional $200 per month of expenses, adding up, the course costs $35000. On average,it is $5000 for half a year, $800 over dollars a month. It is double the pay when I was a clerk in the army. So be it for myself or for my father who put in so much money, I must work hard.
Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to do well because of my intellect, I do not wish for anyting else, just that I can graduate and not let my father and myself down. I know I am getting paranoid, over anxious again, but I cannot help it. It is rather pressurizing even now as it involves a lot of money plus the previous failures I encountered, I will endure and strive on. I do not want to hope for anything, just that I will do my part by being a committed student be it whether I will do well or not.
The first week is really packed, with the leturers covering so much content in a week that I do not have time to slack. It is good at least I do not have much time to be engrossed in my absurd and irrational thoughts. Met some new friends , they are amiable and do not mind being friends with me. It is just that I sometimes do not agree to their views and I could not click with them as they lead a different kind of private life from me. Still, I thank them for being so nice to me , I am sorry if I am too weird but that is me. I will not compromise my studies anymore for useless things now. I am looking forward to a busy but enjoyable life for the next 3.5 years. Alright, I end here now.
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