Busy schedule

Next week, I will be having 2 tests, Economics, Accounting test. After the setback last November, I dunno if I can still be able to handle tests and exams. I feel so guilty for not working as hard as I promised myself at the start of the semester, I just feel so strange. There wsa once when I am close to breakdown but now it is alright, just that I feel so insecure. No use telling myself or others about this, I am really tired, so much has happened in these 2 years that I am forced to be grow up.

In the past, I used to be scared of crowded places, but now it no longer bothers me. In the past, I used to be studies-focused now it is no longer the case. I tell myself not to brood over the past so much but sadly, too many things happened. The affectuations for a classmate, the army life, the re-exam, the failure to enter local U, the counselling, the disappointment for not being a student all made me so vexed. It all seem interconnected, the affectuation followed by the counselling followed by my NS life floowed by the rejection by the three local U followed by the re-exam followed by the disappointment now.

People might say that I am thinking too much, but I did not expect myself to go through all these for the past 3 years. Whenever I read the blogs of the others, they are so joyful and enjoyable to read. Why must my blog be so serious? Well, I can only say that I am not one who is optimistic and not be so goal oriented. My life have to be set according to my wishes and the purpose of my life is to be filial to my parents, be a professional, and have offsprings and then retire when I am old.

I actually thought about the purpose of life more than a dozen times before, are we here to seek gratifcation from our material world, and be bogged down by the so called rat race to maintan our status quo? Are we here to be just mere existence in this world. not as human beings? By thinking like this, life become so meaningless, all those wishes and regrets seem so insignificant, because I feel that I am not fit to be in this world, so maybe I should not have existed in the first place and cause pain to so many people I met.

However, human beings are afraid of death, imagine that one day you do not have feelings, thoughts and alone in a place so cold, so eerie, it is just so scary. You are not "yourself", if human beings have a chance to experience death and get resurrect then perhaps death would be just a journey in life, just like adulthood. We are afraid of death because we get love, warmth, meaning, and even happiness from living as a homosapien and not some existence. I would not want to die because there are so many good things in life, love, meaning, knowledge, wisdom, nature, nice people and happiness that I yearn for, plus there are a lot of things I have not experienced, love, being a parent, having a nice trip, knowing the cultures of others and the help to others to make this society more humane.

Indeed we are bogged down by the rat race, and it has become more of a challenge to be a teenager or even child than in the past. The more knowledgable we are, the more problems we have, it is the conflict between knowledge and ignorance that made the world so chaotic. However, if we can apply knowledge then knowledge won't be just knowledege but wisdom.Indeed, we often compared oursleves to others, we are so concerned with the challenges of being human that we forget that we are not the worst, of course we are not the best.
If we can have the wisdom to see a bigger picture and be more selfless, and seek to turn knowledge into wisdom, our lives wouldn't be so empty. Fortunately there are indeed people who are like this, but I am not one of them.

I understand that money and looks are superficial, the most important is the inner beauty of a person but I am being led to the beauty myth and that we are supposed to be earning lots of money to be 'happy'. One should be really strong willed and wise to be able to discern between meaning and intense satisfaction. If we do not have a life, we are just tools in the society to the others then I can only say that this might be just 'life' to us. Alright, I end here now.