It has been 2 weeks since I last blog, these 2 weeks has been busy , with the Economics test and accounting test. It is so strange, the system in SIM place huge emphasis on test, unlike in the local Universities. The Economics test contributs to 30% of my overall assessment, 30% and the weightage is just so great, 30 MCQs for 30 marks actually playing such an important role. Luckily, after the lecturer went through the answers with us, I scored in the mid 20s, not bad , despite having forgotten most of the things I learn in JC. However, for the accounts test, it is a different story, I only managed a bare pass. the ironical thing is that I am going to take most of my modules in accounting. So sad, but wad to do, have to work harder for the exams.
The exasperating thing is that I picked the right 'questions' , yet I could not remember the details. Worse still, the questions all came from the TB, so fed up with myself. I guess I am not really suited to take subjects with a lot of applications and theory, I hate to write so much that I do not even know what I am writing. I prefer subjects like Mathematics and Chemistry. I like the book-keeping part of accounts, it is so interesting though others find it boring, learning how to balance the balance sheet, seeing that all the ratios are related and the items related.
I am a number person, not a mechanical nor business guy, I prefer numbers to imaginative aspects of Mathematics to human science. Numbers can be seen unlike 3D trigo, vectors, mechanics, and human behaviour that are unidentificable. I am a rigid guy, I cannot imagine the 3D diagrams, nor can I relate to people mindset. So I choose Accounting as I only work with numbers, ratios and graphs, it is indeed mostly made up of this. How to write a balance sheet, income statement and cash flow statement. You need not think so much, and most importantly, the numbers provide a check, I am a really conscientious guy, I do not tolerate careless mistakes. I enjoy the accounting lectures but do not like the questions asked, they are so far fetched. The lecturer is really good, but the questions are so difficult.
Still, I must do well for accounting , at least get a credit for it as it is just the introductory part, in future it will get more difficult. Though I did not do so well for the accounts test which accounts for 20% of my total assessment for the module, I will continue to like accounts and must study for my accounts exams. Except for the 2 tests, this coming Tuesday, I am going to have a markeing test which accounts for 20% of my total assessment. I like marketing but too bad I am not very vocal, and the questions are just too difficult. Hopefully, I can pass all my modules and not repeat any of them.
The workload in SIM is really light but it is the exams and tests that made me so stressful. Plus, I tell myself that I have to succeed this time round after suffering a major setback. I enjoyed school, even doing tutorials but I am really sick of failures. The 2 weeks past by really quick, this week with a heavy econs lecture, the biz computing assignment to rush and the accounts tutorial to do, I am no longer so free in the weekends. That is why I only find time to blog till now.
The busy scedule also take away time for self reflection, so in this entry there are no philosophical and 'profound' thoughts. After the tests, it is the rushing of assignments then it is 2 weeks of revision and the exams. Busy, busy, busy......
Alright, I end here now.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Busy schedule
Next week, I will be having 2 tests, Economics, Accounting test. After the setback last November, I dunno if I can still be able to handle tests and exams. I feel so guilty for not working as hard as I promised myself at the start of the semester, I just feel so strange. There wsa once when I am close to breakdown but now it is alright, just that I feel so insecure. No use telling myself or others about this, I am really tired, so much has happened in these 2 years that I am forced to be grow up.
In the past, I used to be scared of crowded places, but now it no longer bothers me. In the past, I used to be studies-focused now it is no longer the case. I tell myself not to brood over the past so much but sadly, too many things happened. The affectuations for a classmate, the army life, the re-exam, the failure to enter local U, the counselling, the disappointment for not being a student all made me so vexed. It all seem interconnected, the affectuation followed by the counselling followed by my NS life floowed by the rejection by the three local U followed by the re-exam followed by the disappointment now.
People might say that I am thinking too much, but I did not expect myself to go through all these for the past 3 years. Whenever I read the blogs of the others, they are so joyful and enjoyable to read. Why must my blog be so serious? Well, I can only say that I am not one who is optimistic and not be so goal oriented. My life have to be set according to my wishes and the purpose of my life is to be filial to my parents, be a professional, and have offsprings and then retire when I am old.
I actually thought about the purpose of life more than a dozen times before, are we here to seek gratifcation from our material world, and be bogged down by the so called rat race to maintan our status quo? Are we here to be just mere existence in this world. not as human beings? By thinking like this, life become so meaningless, all those wishes and regrets seem so insignificant, because I feel that I am not fit to be in this world, so maybe I should not have existed in the first place and cause pain to so many people I met.
However, human beings are afraid of death, imagine that one day you do not have feelings, thoughts and alone in a place so cold, so eerie, it is just so scary. You are not "yourself", if human beings have a chance to experience death and get resurrect then perhaps death would be just a journey in life, just like adulthood. We are afraid of death because we get love, warmth, meaning, and even happiness from living as a homosapien and not some existence. I would not want to die because there are so many good things in life, love, meaning, knowledge, wisdom, nature, nice people and happiness that I yearn for, plus there are a lot of things I have not experienced, love, being a parent, having a nice trip, knowing the cultures of others and the help to others to make this society more humane.
Indeed we are bogged down by the rat race, and it has become more of a challenge to be a teenager or even child than in the past. The more knowledgable we are, the more problems we have, it is the conflict between knowledge and ignorance that made the world so chaotic. However, if we can apply knowledge then knowledge won't be just knowledege but wisdom.Indeed, we often compared oursleves to others, we are so concerned with the challenges of being human that we forget that we are not the worst, of course we are not the best.
If we can have the wisdom to see a bigger picture and be more selfless, and seek to turn knowledge into wisdom, our lives wouldn't be so empty. Fortunately there are indeed people who are like this, but I am not one of them.
I understand that money and looks are superficial, the most important is the inner beauty of a person but I am being led to the beauty myth and that we are supposed to be earning lots of money to be 'happy'. One should be really strong willed and wise to be able to discern between meaning and intense satisfaction. If we do not have a life, we are just tools in the society to the others then I can only say that this might be just 'life' to us. Alright, I end here now.
In the past, I used to be scared of crowded places, but now it no longer bothers me. In the past, I used to be studies-focused now it is no longer the case. I tell myself not to brood over the past so much but sadly, too many things happened. The affectuations for a classmate, the army life, the re-exam, the failure to enter local U, the counselling, the disappointment for not being a student all made me so vexed. It all seem interconnected, the affectuation followed by the counselling followed by my NS life floowed by the rejection by the three local U followed by the re-exam followed by the disappointment now.
People might say that I am thinking too much, but I did not expect myself to go through all these for the past 3 years. Whenever I read the blogs of the others, they are so joyful and enjoyable to read. Why must my blog be so serious? Well, I can only say that I am not one who is optimistic and not be so goal oriented. My life have to be set according to my wishes and the purpose of my life is to be filial to my parents, be a professional, and have offsprings and then retire when I am old.
I actually thought about the purpose of life more than a dozen times before, are we here to seek gratifcation from our material world, and be bogged down by the so called rat race to maintan our status quo? Are we here to be just mere existence in this world. not as human beings? By thinking like this, life become so meaningless, all those wishes and regrets seem so insignificant, because I feel that I am not fit to be in this world, so maybe I should not have existed in the first place and cause pain to so many people I met.
However, human beings are afraid of death, imagine that one day you do not have feelings, thoughts and alone in a place so cold, so eerie, it is just so scary. You are not "yourself", if human beings have a chance to experience death and get resurrect then perhaps death would be just a journey in life, just like adulthood. We are afraid of death because we get love, warmth, meaning, and even happiness from living as a homosapien and not some existence. I would not want to die because there are so many good things in life, love, meaning, knowledge, wisdom, nature, nice people and happiness that I yearn for, plus there are a lot of things I have not experienced, love, being a parent, having a nice trip, knowing the cultures of others and the help to others to make this society more humane.
Indeed we are bogged down by the rat race, and it has become more of a challenge to be a teenager or even child than in the past. The more knowledgable we are, the more problems we have, it is the conflict between knowledge and ignorance that made the world so chaotic. However, if we can apply knowledge then knowledge won't be just knowledege but wisdom.Indeed, we often compared oursleves to others, we are so concerned with the challenges of being human that we forget that we are not the worst, of course we are not the best.
If we can have the wisdom to see a bigger picture and be more selfless, and seek to turn knowledge into wisdom, our lives wouldn't be so empty. Fortunately there are indeed people who are like this, but I am not one of them.
I understand that money and looks are superficial, the most important is the inner beauty of a person but I am being led to the beauty myth and that we are supposed to be earning lots of money to be 'happy'. One should be really strong willed and wise to be able to discern between meaning and intense satisfaction. If we do not have a life, we are just tools in the society to the others then I can only say that this might be just 'life' to us. Alright, I end here now.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Highly Senitive Guy (HSG)
There is already this term "SNAG", (Sensitive New Age Guy) which means that this type of guys are able to spare a thought for their actions and not only care about themselves. To me, to be a SNAG requires more than sensitvity, you require wisdom too. I term myself as a HSG as I realised that all this while I have been trying to fit into society's main stream but it failed. Since I cannot tell myself or succeed in conforming to society's standards, I rather be weird than to be so hard on myself.
Recently read a book on how to survive as a HSP(as girls are also highly sensitive), it teaches a lot of non-conforming attitudes and beliefs towards life on the whole. I always think that thistype of books are boring and lengthy, now instead they are informative and thought provoking, it is a benefit rather than a hassle and cost to read this typoe of books. I always thought that I am not sensitive to others, in fact, it is beacause I am too sensitive that I often think too much of hurting myself and others that I am so vexed.
There are many idealistic thoughts but it seem that as I grow older and become more matured( I hope I am), they are so impractical and worthless. In the past, used to be very concerned about not being a combatant but now it is as if nothing have happened. In life, there is no turning back and there is no ten years series for you to practice, no saving point, no definite formula to success, we must learn to be more practical and not be too far-fetched. That is the view I have of my life. People always say that do not dwell on the past, well, it is theoretically correct, practically, we must often have a sense of how we managed to be what we are today or what caused the change in us.
That is why though there are no saving point, there are diaries or memoires to help us record our mistakes and achievements. I used to think that it is stupid and girlish to write diariesas each day is almost the same, wake up. go to school, return home, eat , do homework, sleep and then the next day starts. However, as I grow older, each day is routinely the same but the thoughts I have and the incidents I encountered each day is different.My life is boring to others but not to me, my life is often full of incidents and I have too much thoughts at times that I have no mood for other things. I once resented this but now I realised at least I know what I want in life, how imparctical or nonsensical my goals are. Now, my diary is not just a record of the day, it lists down the thoughts as a result of some incidents, some books I read or the news I heard.
I am more comfortable staying indoors, and at times is shy plus I am highly sensitive. Suddenly, the words which I think will never be used on me are apt descriptives of me. I am a highly sensitive shy introvert currently. I based my life on practicality rather than gratification or satisfaction, I weigh every actions carefully and consider the repercussions of doing certain things. However, I failed to be rational in terms of affectuations and feelings. There are incidents which hurt me deeply, yet to the others, they are just part and parcel of their lives. I seek a flawless life in which there are no sudden illness, no conflicts, no war, no relationship problems.
Sadly, this ideal picture gets blurrer with my increasing maturity and the everchanging wiorld. I guess as human beings, we are here to reap what we sow, the changes we made, the advancements in our global village that we proudly claimed. That might be life for the people in today's society. Alright, I end here now.
Recently read a book on how to survive as a HSP(as girls are also highly sensitive), it teaches a lot of non-conforming attitudes and beliefs towards life on the whole. I always think that thistype of books are boring and lengthy, now instead they are informative and thought provoking, it is a benefit rather than a hassle and cost to read this typoe of books. I always thought that I am not sensitive to others, in fact, it is beacause I am too sensitive that I often think too much of hurting myself and others that I am so vexed.
There are many idealistic thoughts but it seem that as I grow older and become more matured( I hope I am), they are so impractical and worthless. In the past, used to be very concerned about not being a combatant but now it is as if nothing have happened. In life, there is no turning back and there is no ten years series for you to practice, no saving point, no definite formula to success, we must learn to be more practical and not be too far-fetched. That is the view I have of my life. People always say that do not dwell on the past, well, it is theoretically correct, practically, we must often have a sense of how we managed to be what we are today or what caused the change in us.
That is why though there are no saving point, there are diaries or memoires to help us record our mistakes and achievements. I used to think that it is stupid and girlish to write diariesas each day is almost the same, wake up. go to school, return home, eat , do homework, sleep and then the next day starts. However, as I grow older, each day is routinely the same but the thoughts I have and the incidents I encountered each day is different.My life is boring to others but not to me, my life is often full of incidents and I have too much thoughts at times that I have no mood for other things. I once resented this but now I realised at least I know what I want in life, how imparctical or nonsensical my goals are. Now, my diary is not just a record of the day, it lists down the thoughts as a result of some incidents, some books I read or the news I heard.
I am more comfortable staying indoors, and at times is shy plus I am highly sensitive. Suddenly, the words which I think will never be used on me are apt descriptives of me. I am a highly sensitive shy introvert currently. I based my life on practicality rather than gratification or satisfaction, I weigh every actions carefully and consider the repercussions of doing certain things. However, I failed to be rational in terms of affectuations and feelings. There are incidents which hurt me deeply, yet to the others, they are just part and parcel of their lives. I seek a flawless life in which there are no sudden illness, no conflicts, no war, no relationship problems.
Sadly, this ideal picture gets blurrer with my increasing maturity and the everchanging wiorld. I guess as human beings, we are here to reap what we sow, the changes we made, the advancements in our global village that we proudly claimed. That might be life for the people in today's society. Alright, I end here now.
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